SOLO ARTISTS AREN'T SO SOLO

We Americans idealize independence. Even the most socialistic, progressive people I know can get down on themselves when they can’t hack it and get things done all alone. It's a weird thing we've all convinced ourselves of. We know deep down in our guts that we need people. Loneliness has a purpose: it tells us that it's time to reach out to people. But instead of reaching out when we're feeling down or lonely, we think, "No, I've got to do it on my own." Nonsense! I KNOW this stuff. I studied couple and family therapy – all about the importance of connection and how people interact and help each other and I STILL hate on myself for not being able to get stuff done when I try to exist in a vacuum. Reprogramming your brain is hard.

I work with people all the time who think they have to do it all on their own. I think a lot of our struggle comes from this belief. I'm always asking my clients who they can reach out to. Whatever it is we're working on, other people can help. At some point in our work, they often say, “Hey, Lauren. I just realized that when I involve someone else I’m able to really stick to my guns and get stuff done!” I congratulate them and often laugh and say, “Who knew?! Oh wait, that’s what we’re doing right now!”

But that’s the difference between knowing a thing and actually doing a thing. It only gets into your bones when you actually do it. You can say you know you need other people until you’re blue in the face, but when you’re struggling with your creative output do you beat yourself up for not being able to do it alone? Or do you tell someone about your plans and ask for advice?

Here’s how connection helps me creatively:

I haven’t made much solo music in the past year. It’s been a rough year. But being in my bands and having people ask me to compose, arrange, or perform for their events has kept me going. I am SO thankful for them because making music keeps me sane. Plus, being asked to do new and different things inspires me to think differently about my work. I try out new instruments. I write in ways I’ve never written before. It helps me EXPAND. Because believe it or not, I can be really stubborn and boxy about what I like and what I want to create. (I can hear my best friends sarcastically saying “OH REALLY?”) So, when someone asks me to try something new, I try to check in with myself. There are clear YESes and NOs… and then there are the fearful, scoffing NOs. The ones that say, “Oh, I’ve never done that before. Why are they asking ME? That’s SO not a thing I do!” I try to follow the fear and attempt the thing I scoffed at. It might not work out, but I get to do something different and new and stay fresh with my ideas.

It usually does work out, though. Maybe not in the way I expected, but it pays off somehow. With new ideas or recognition. Always with new friends or deeper connections.

So, if you find yourself stuck and saying to yourself ,“WTF, why can’t I ever get anything done on my own?!” Remind yourself that no one does it on their own. Not even writers! (Although you all probably have the least collaborative art.) Even the most hermity creators experienced life with others at some point. They read other people’s books, listened to other people’s music, saw other people’s works and were inspired to make their thing.

Remind yourself of this and then go tell someone about it - preferably another creator. Share your struggle. At the very least you’ll probably get a little commiseration around it. At the most, you’ll get an offer of help or maybe even a new idea.

So what's your struggle? Share in the comments! Maybe someone will read it and help you out.

FOUR WAYS TO KEEP FEELING LIKE SHIT

I haven't written a blog in awhile. I could say it's because I've been super busy with clients and just "hibernating" with all of my ideas, which is partially true, but really it's because I've been stuck. Now, I've had a good reason to be: my Dad has Alzheimer's and Type 1 Diabetes. He's been hospitalized multiple times since July with complications from both. He's now at the point where he's in assisted living and will never go home again. He just turned 68 last week. I've spent the last few months reeling from this, visiting him, talking to my stepmother and brothers, and processing, processing, processing. I've been through a different sort of grief before, but it doesn't necessarily make this any easier. However, from that prior experience, and from what I see with clients, I've learned a few things about how we keep ourselves emotionally stuck and how to start moving forward again:

We try to pretend we don't feel the way we feel

Sadness, hopelessness, frustration, nervousness - these are all really shitty feelings. It's no wonder we try to push them away - they hurt! But pretending we don't feel the way we feel often just leads to more feeling crappy. Or if we admit how we do feel, we think we should feel differently. I'll let you in on a little secret: when you're really stuck with a feeling, logic will not make you feel any differently. Instead of pushing a feeling away or telling yourself you should feel differently, try validating your feeling. For instance, I feel really sad about what's going on with my Dad. It's a terrible thing and a lot of times I just want the awful feelings to go away. But when I try to pretend, I just get irritable and uncomfortable. Admitting you feel bad won't immediately make you feel better, but it removes the burden of pretending and allows you to just be as you are.

We let our feelings define us

So, now you've admitted you're sad/anxious/angry, but then you think "I've always felt this way and I will feel this way forever. I am a sad/anxious/angry person." Woof. Now that's a difficult thing to overcome! And often it leads to trying to pretend you don't feel the way you feel. If your feeling defines who you are as a person and you don't like that feeling, then of course you're going to try to force it away. But what if your feeling was just temporary? They usually are. Remember the last time you smiled. Remember when you had a good day, hour, or even just a few minutes. I'll bet you'll find that this bad feeling is just a feeling, not the defining factor of your personality. Now, if you've felt consistently bad for more than two weeks, maybe it's time to see your doctor or find a therapist to talk through what you're experiencing.

We think we always have to put our best foot forward in order to connect

Part of the whole "pretending we don't feel the way we feel" thing is that we want to look ok to other people. We think that being happy and shiny all the time is what people want to see. But really, no one wants to be around a person who pretends to perfect all the time. It gets boring and stale, and you know what? People can see through the BS. Connection comes through genuine vulnerability (thank you, Brené Brown). It takes courage to share the real you. If you think a person is appropriate to share with, maybe "How are you?" can have a different answer than "Fine.", when you're really not fine. Now, oversharing is a thing, too. There's certainly a balance between never saying how you really feel and telling a person you just met your whole life story. A big piece of this puzzle is sharing without expecting the other person to take care of your feelings for you.

We overthink in an attempt to control

Now that I've given you all these things to think about when it comes to your feelings, I'm sure it's pretty annoying to hear, "Don't overthink it!" I know, I know, I'm the worst! But it's true - when we overthink every single interaction because we think we can control how we feel or how others feel about us, we can get big time stuck. The truth is, you can't control emotions. All of these points are about letting go, feeling the way you feel, and gathering the courage to share those feelings with others, without expecting a specific response. Maybe you'll find that some people aren't safe to share with, because they try to fix, or they don't respect your privacy, or they simply won't listen. That's ok. Try again with someone else. You have the choice to share with who you want to. You can trust yourself to think, feel, and take care of yourself.

Want connection? Get curious and get open

Have you ever been in love? Or at least in major “like”? Even if you never talked to the person, you were super curious, right? And you wanted that person to notice you, to ask you questions, to know you.

I remember when I first developed a crush on my husband, I wanted to know EVERYTHING about him. “Where did you grow up? Who is your best friend? What do you like to listen to?” And I crazily wanted him to know EVERYTHING about me. I practiced talking to him when I was alone, blasting music in my car, figuring out what to say that would sound cool. “Yeah, I love Nine Inch Nails. I’ve been listening to them since I was like 10.” (Bless his heart, my husband tried so hard to get into NIN. He just doesn’t like Trent. It’s ok... lots of people don’t like Trent.) I blurted out the most random and personal stuff when we were getting to know each other. Shit that I would never tell someone I just met, but I wanted him to really KNOW me, just as much as I wanted to know him. I was super curious and I really wanted him to see me, so I was willing to be super open.

This applies to friends and romantic love. I know I’ve had some friend crushes that started this way, too. If you think someone is cool, you ask questions and you get really open for them.

Long-term relationships get stale because we lose curiosity and vulnerability. We assume we know everything about each other. We stop asking questions. We also assume that if we have something new and different to share - a fear, an idea, whatever - that we’ll rock the boat too much, be seen as weird, or get rejected. Sometimes we get defensive when our partners or old friends want to do something new. Anxiety steps in. We assume it’s because we’re not good enough for them anymore and we get scared they’ll leave us.

If you’re feeling disconnected, I challenge you to get curious and get open, right now. Ask a question of your partner, your old friend, or maybe a new acquaintance you’d like to know better. Something with depth, so not “How was your day?”, but more like, “What do you want most in life?” or “What personal accomplishment are you most proud of?” See where the conversation goes from there. If you want to share something, try a need, a want, a feeling, or a fear. Make sure it’s yours, so not “I want you to take out the trash”, but more like “I’d love for us to have more time together” or “I really hate my job, but I’m afraid to try something new.” The heartfelt questions; the willingness to be open – that’s where the connection is.

And feel free to guide the conversation where you want it. If you’re looking for support, but the person you’re talking to starts giving advice or telling you you should be thankful for what you have, get open again (because this is vulnerability at its finest) and say something like, “I appreciate your opinion and I know you’re saying it out of love, but that’s not helpful to me right now. What I’m looking for is a bit of support and comfort.” You might hear some confusion or defensiveness at first. Be gentle and go slowly, new ways of interacting can be uncomfortable for everyone involved.

In that same vein, if your partner or friend gets vulnerable with you, really telling you about his/her feelings, and you start to feel defensive, wait. Take a moment to validate the other person’s feelings – they may need comforting and understanding. Your side will be easier to hear if the other also feels heard.

Questions? Thoughts? Compliments? Complaints?

Share ‘em in the comments below, or hit me up on Facebook or Twitter. And don’t forget to sign up for the email newsletter to get all this and more!

The problem with being creative & intelligent

HOLY CRAP I MADE A VLOG. I was writing my blog for this month, again talking about vulnerability and connection and it just wasn't feeling really exciting for me. It didn't feel right, but I figured I was just in a mood or something and I would post it anyway.

Then yesterday, it hit me: How can I ask people to be really vulnerable when I'm not willing to do it myself? Whoa. I'd been considering doing video for awhile, but I had tons of excuses as to why I hadn't done it, yet. The truth is: I was afraid. And for a multitude of reasons (maybe you'll identify with some of them when it comes to your important work): fear of criticism, fear of being seen, fear of being more successful, oh and the ever-present "fraud police" - Who the hell do I think I am?" But yesterday I quieted those voices down a bit, put my phone in my office window, and hit record.

So, here's my vlog all about how, despite how amazing you are, I know it can get lonely being highly creative and intelligent. No matter what, we're human and humans need other people. Here's how you make meaningful connections (hint: you have to put yourself out there.)

This was a scary one for me, folks. Really putting MYSELF out there.

What do you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences on the loneliness of being creative and how you take risks to be fully you and make connections.

Also - do you want to see more vlogs? Now that I've taken the big leap, I'm perfectly happy to make more in the future. Let me know what you want to hear about!

Share in the comments below, on my Facebook page, or on Twitter.

Remember, you're not dysfunctional, you're creative and you are awesome!

xo

Lauren

Gratitude without guilt

I have an amazing mother. She is one of the most giving people I know. She's the kind of woman that remembers everyone's birthday (even like, the granddaughter of a co-worker's birthday) and makes sure to send something every single year. She's always given to charity, even when she didn't have all that much. Whenever I see her, she gives me something. She takes me out to lunch, she takes me shopping, or she just hands me some money. I'm her baby and she loves taking care of me. I know that if I'm ever in need, I can turn to her for help. She is the best and I am eternally grateful to her.

But man, do I feel guilty sometimes! I think, "I'm 35, I don't need my mom buying me clothes. I should be buying HER nice things!" When I've actually had to ask her for money, the guilt train really comes barreling in. I feel like I piece of shit when I have to ask for her help and there's no reason for it! She's never made me feel guilty for needing help. Like I said, she's happy to give and the truth is, she's better off than me. I've got graduate school bills to pay and a fledgling business to maintain. A free lunch here, a few bucks there, it's really nice - not to mention the time I get to spend with my awesome mom.

I always thought guilt and gratitude were inseparable. There's a voice in my head that says, "It's ok to accept this, but you'd better feel bad about it." Maybe because it's considered polite to say, "Oh thank you, but you really shouldn't have." Maybe because some people make you feel like you owe them once they give you something. Maybe because I think I don't really deserve it.

Here's the thing: Feeling like you owe someone kills gratitude. Seriously, there are studies on it. The more you feel like you owe someone - and the more they remind you of it - the less likely you are to feel thankful for the help. By now, you've probably heard about all the great mental, emotional, and even physical benefits of a consistent gratitude practice. But what about separating feelings of guilt and indebtedness from that practice? Imagine how much better you would feel if you could just simply be thankful for the gifts, love, care, and luck you receive, and not experience guilt about how much people have given you or about how little others have in comparison.

So how do we do it? Here are a few things to try:

1. Simply say, "Thank you." There's no need to hem and haw and say, "Oh, no, I can't." or "You shouldn't have!" or "I'll get you back, later." Think of how annoying it is when you genuinely give something to someone and they respond like that.

2. Try this mantra on for size, "I am worthy." Remember what you've done for the person or for other people, or imagine what you WOULD do if you could.

3. Give when you can. Pay it forward, right? I find it helps to balance the flow of giving and receiving.

4. Along these same lines, when someone says "Thank you", try simply responding with "You're welcome" instead of "No problem!" or "No worries!" What you did has value or the person wouldn't be thanking you. Take that on. It's ok to feel good about giving!

Now, I find that these things work for me when I'm feeling guilty about getting. Try them on and see what works for you.

I'd love to hear what you think or hear your ideas about how to separate guilt from gratitude. Leave me a comment to share!