8 signs you could be codependent

When you're stuck in a codependent, people-pleasing cycle it often takes a long time to realize it. Here are some warning signs that you could be codependent.

1. You have trouble saying “no”. 

When it comes to helping, you love to do so, but you also feel like you can’t ever say no whenever anyone asks something of you. You might feel overwhelmed often or even resentful of the people who ask you to do things for them. 

2. You take really good care of other people, but you have trouble taking care of yourself.

Because you never say no, you’re the go-to person and you pride yourself on taking care of other people. But when it comes to self-care, you might not know where to begin. You may even have the belief that others come first and your needs are not important.

3. You have trouble knowing what your feelings are, but you know exactly what everyone else is feeling.

You’re so intuitive when it comes to the way other people think and feel and you really know how to accommodate and take care of them. When he’s down, you’re down, when he’s feeling good, so are you! When asked how you feel about something or what your opinion is, though, you might be at a loss for words. You may even look to someone else to answer or say something like “I don’t know, whatever you want is fine with me!” 

4. You feel solely responsible for other people’s feelings, behaviors, or circumstances.

Sometimes you feel like you’re the only one who can fix it or make it right. When a loved one is upset or having trouble, you feel it so deeply that you think you’re completely responsible for helping them feel better. When they screw up, you take it personally and desperately try to find a way to make it so they never do that again. You feel like other people’s problems are yours to solve.

5. Your partner, child, or parent has a problem with drugs or alcohol and you think they can fix it, if only they’d do what you say.

You think that if you just help your loved one use in moderation, they would be fine. “Just drink on the weekends, but don’t get drunk. Smoke weed, but stop with the harder stuff.” You don’t understand why they can’t just control themselves like you ask them to. You might feel trapped in this relationship, thinking they might never get better, or might hurt themselves or die if you don’t help them.

6. You find yourself constantly monitoring your loved one’s behavior and giving them unsolicited advice.

What’s she doing? Where is she going? How much did she drink today? How is she feeling? These thoughts run through your head every day. You monitor the behavior and then you give advice on what you think your loved one should do. Your loved one might be getting annoyed or upset with you, or they might accept the advice, but never seem to be able to follow through with it.

7. You’re devastated and wracked with guilt and fear when someone is mad at you.

You do everything in your power not to make someone upset with you. You avoid confrontation like the plague. Because when someone is mad at you, especially someone you love, you feel absolutely terrible. You get a pit in your stomach. You’re filled with dread. You might not be able to eat or sleep, you constantly think about it and you desperately search for ways to fix it.

8. You find it hard to feel truly connected to your family and friends.

You’re the helper. You’re the one everyone goes to with their problems, but when it comes to your problems, you don’t think you have anyone to go to. You might not even think your problems are worth talking about. You find yourself feeling like an outsider at gatherings. You crave deep connection, but you’re not sure how to get it. 

Think you might be codependent?

There are several steps to recovering from codependency. Here’s where to begin:

1. Learn to set boundaries

2. Practice emotional detachment

3. Learn to say no

4. Learn to let go

5. Get reacquainted with your own feelings

6. Learn to accept and manage those feelings

Need help with that?

Recovery from codependency is a lifelong journey. I offer online counseling for codependency in Maryland. Contact me to set up your free 15-minute consultation.

The revolution is here - please don’t burn yourself out

It’s normal to feel so many feelings right now. So many of us are angry, sad, disgusted, overwhelmed, guilty, ashamed, exhausted, and even numb.

I want to encourage everyone to take good care of themselves. But in this time of so much change, uncertainty, and multiple collective traumas, what does self-care even look like?

Be mindful of your social media and news feeds

The constant stream of opinions and news reports are overwhelming. It can seem like a never ending waterfall of collective trauma. Black people being murdered, protestors being beaten, and leadership encouraging violence all on top of coronavirus death tolls and record unemployment - this takes an emotional, mental, and physical toll, especially for Black folx. The social media stream can seem like a constant flow of “You’re not doing enough” which, for those who already struggle with low self-worth, can easily twist into “I’m not good enough”. We all need to intentionally disconnect from the 24/7 cycle. Being informed is important. Doing anti-racist work is important. Lifting up Black voices is important. Protesting, even virtually, is important. Seeing the change that gives us hope is important. But, as my brilliant friend Allyson Washington reminded me the other day, our minds are not meant to handle so much information at once. So take the time to get informed, share a few things, and then when that time is up, sign off. It’s even harder to do nowadays when so many of us are not able to leave for work or school, either because we’re social distancing or because we’re out of work, so we need to pay even closer attention to how much media we consume. It’s ok to take a break. That information will be there later.

White people and non-black PoCs - do not get mired down in shame

Guilt can help us take action and make change. Shame often makes us lose hope, isolate, and withdraw. It does nothing to help the cause. How can you tell the difference? “Guilt is,” as Brené Brown says, “‘I did something bad.’ Shame is ‘I am bad.’” You are not bad, but you - all of us - have, as Glennon Doyle says, “breathed in racism from birth.” If we want to dismantle systemic racism we have to admit that we are part of it, which means listening, learning, making mistakes, and resisting the urge to defend ourselves and attack others when people point out those mistakes. This also means resisting the urge to say “I’m sorry” without stating or asking how you can help. If and when shame pops up, name it, tell someone about it - someone who is encouraging and supportive (note that your Black friends might not be able to hold that for you right now, so choose wisely and ask before you talk to them) - and repeatedly tell yourself, “I am not bad. I feel guilt because I have been born into a racist culture. Which means I’ve probably said and done and thought things that are racist. I am not bad. I have done bad. I can learn and do better.”

Rest, rest, rest, REST, REST

After anger, after fear, after trauma, after grief, after guilt, after shame, after anxiety, after overwhelm, comes exhaustion. Many of us are feeling every single one of these emotions in quick succession many times a day. It’s very easy to get caught up in trying to DO so much that we get exhausted and burn out. The movement does not need burnt out people. It needs people who know how to care for themselves so they can care for others. And the best way to do that is to make sure you get enough rest. Your mind and body function best when you’re rested and your nervous system is calmed. That means not only sleeping, but taking the time to eat, drink water, exercise, meditate, create, laugh with friends and family, and just BE. Allowing that space may come with more big emotions. There’s a lot of trauma to process. Give yourself permission to feel. Cry if you need to. Scream into a pillow. Write your feelings down. Lean into your art. Talk to someone. You need to process these feelings in order to fill your cup so you’ve got more to pour out for others.

Resting also requires setting boundaries and saying no sometimes - to sharing everything, to every event, every webinar, every protest, to your relatives who want to share racist rhetoric, and for Black folx, to your white friends who share their feelings without asking (and even when they do ask!). Take a look at your bandwidth each day, each hour, each minute, and decide what you can do and what you cannot. This movement is a marathon, not a sprint. Rest and come back to the fight. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Self-care - real self-care - is radical.

Self-care flies in the face of every capitalistic, misogynistic, and yes, racist message that says we have to be constantly productive in order to be worthy. Model self-care for your friends, your family, and your children. Take care of yourself, so we can take better care of each other.

Reframing Anxiety as Protection

As I write this, we’re in the midst of the Coronavirus-19 outbreak in the U.S. Here in Maryland, our schools and all non-essential businesses are closed. Those of us who can, are working from home. I am doing teletherapy from my home. People are scared and anxiety is high. I am not immune to this anxiety. I’ve had anxiety most of my life and have been actively aware of and working with it for the past 12 years.

I was already going to write a post about anxiety this month, so I figured I’d go on with it, adding some things about the current environment.

I’d like to help people understand that anxiety is protection.

Anxiety is our bodies and minds attempting to protect us from danger. This is the mind working at a base survivalist level: We sense danger and we go on high alert to protect ourselves from that danger - either fighting, fleeing, freezing, or fawning. This is how humans and animals have evolved and survived.

The issue with anxiety is that sometimes we feel it when we’re NOT in imminent danger. Often, this is linked to trauma. Trauma, to put it simply, is defined as any huge event or maybe a seemingly small event that makes us feel unsafe - either physically or emotionally - and changes the way we feel, think, and behave. There are genetic links to anxiety as well - some of us are more prone to it than others - and they could be connected to generational trauma and the effect it has had on our genes.

At the moment, we are all going through shared trauma. Some of us are scared of getting sick or scared of those we love getting sick. Some of us are sick or have loved ones who are sick. Some of us have already lost loved ones to the virus. Some of us are worried about or have already lost our jobs and our money. Some of us are worried about the world as a whole. All of this can trigger old trauma and bring up all sorts of emotions (or even numbness). So the real danger we feel can be exacerbated by the old danger we’ve experienced before. And then anxiety can take over our bodies and minds, putting us on alert to try and keep us safe.

The problem here is that having long bouts of anxiety actually makes us less able to react in times of imminent danger and can have a negative effect on the immune system.

Here is a simple process to help you manage anxiety from this informed position:

1. Notice what triggers you. A trigger is anything that sets your body and mind on high alert. It can be anything from a sick relative to a grim news report. It may feel like a racing heart, a racing mind (lots of thoughts all at once or in quick succession), a sick stomach, or a clenched jaw.

2. Try and pause between the trigger and your reaction. This can be tough. You may not be able to pause until after your reaction. That’s ok, too.
   How do we do this?

   1. BREATHE

   2. Thank the anxiety for trying to protect you. I know this sounds weird, but we often get anxious about our anxiety. When we understand it as something more benevolent, it can help with our reaction.

   3. Consider your options. Do you HAVE to do something right now? CAN you do something right now? Can you wait? How would you prefer react?

3. Shift your reaction to your chosen option.

4. Choose a relaxation technique to help you calm your mind and body, such as deep breathing or taking a walk. Here are some other options you can find online:

   1. Oak - totally free and beautifully simple iPhone app with meditation and breathing exercises

   2. Relax Melodies - a mostly free app with customizable sleeping and calming sounds and meditations

   3. Headspace, Calm, + Insight Timer - free + paid Android + iPhone meditation apps - Headspace + Calm are currently providing free subscriptions for healthcare providers

   4. The Tapping Solution - a mostly free app - If you’ve never heard of tapping or never tried it, I urge you to give it a shot. It goes for anxiety in the body, honors your feelings, and allows you to relax. It takes only 10 minutes and It is POWERFUL. I love their free Releasing Anxiety meditation the most. They’ve also created an entire free series of tapping meditations specifically for anxiety around the Coronavirus.

   5. Yoga - Moving your body really really helps. I love Yogini Melbourne and Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube - they both have tons of short routines on their channels, many that are geared toward anxiety and stress.

Anxiety is not your enemy, it is simply part of your body’s warning system. If we can learn to work with it instead of fighting against it - understanding that it will be there especially at times like these - we can find what works best for each of us as we continue to move through our lives.

How to love your whole self

Photo by Designecologist from Pexels

Self love means loving your whole self. It doesn’t mean loving just the pieces of you that you like and beating yourself up for the rest. It means radically accepting and loving every inch of you. It’s a lifelong commitment and process, just like loving a partner or a child. It takes work. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s devastatingly hard. I’ve seen this in my clients and in my own personal work. I thought I’d share what I’ve learned to help you start to love your whole self.

Loving yourself requires compassion and forgiveness, no matter how you think, feel or behave. When we love ourselves - even when we feel bad, even when we repeat patterns we don’t want to, even when we think thoughts we know are destructive - we open the door to healing and the healing happens faster. It’s counterintuitive because we tend to shame ourselves when we don’t “do the right thing”. But shame puts us in a dark corner and makes us hide, while showing ourselves compassion and forgiveness gives us the opportunity to grow, connect, and change. This also means having compassion for ourselves even when we haven’t been so compassionate with ourselves.

To have greater compassion and empathy for ourselves, we must develop an understanding of where these behaviors, thoughts, and feelings came from. Your experiences with your family of origin have wired your brain and body to think, feel, and react in specific ways. You act differently than your friends and family members because you are uniquely you. Your role in your family is yours alone. You found ways to cope with any hardships or trauma that worked for you. If the adults in your life helped you to process your emotions and made you feel safe, you’re likely better equipped to handle difficult feelings that come your way. If the adults responsible for you weren’t able to help you with your feelings, you learned to cope in whatever way was necessary to help you survive emotionally. Take a deep look at your history and ask yourself with true curiosity - “Why am I the way that I am?” Journal on it. If you’re able, ask family members to fill in any gaps. You may find some answers you hadn’t seen before. Working with a therapist can also help in this regard.

Once you’ve looked into how you were raised, it’s important to understand that as an adult, you now need to parent yourself. How would you have wanted to be parented? My guess is with acceptance, compassion, forgiveness, encouragement, and clear boundaries. This doesn’t mean we’re not accountable for our behavior. It doesn’t mean we don’t challenge ourselves to grow, change, or keep going. Often when people hear me suggest they be gentler with themselves, they say something like “But then I’ll never get anything done!” That’s simply not true. We’ve been conditioned to think that way. We live in a society that believes punishment is more worthwhile than rehabilitation, praises “tough love”, and thrives on the idea that some people are more worthy of love, protection, and compassion than others. Growing up this way has conditioned us to believe that we need to push ourselves relentlessly to achieve our goals and psychologically beat ourselves up when we don’t think, feel, or behave exactly how we believe we should.

Unconditional love for ourselves needs to include the understanding that our thoughts and feelings are just that - thoughts and feelings! Your thoughts and feelings do not make you a good or bad person. They are your mind and body doing what they’re wired to do. They’re not instructions on how to behave or what to say. They’re simply information about what’s going on in your world. When we don’t allow ourselves to feel and think freely, we end up stuck, repressed, anxious, depressed, caged, resentful, and sick. When you take a moment to feel your true feelings, think your true thoughts, pause, and breathe, you can then CHOOSE how you want to behave - the choice is where your freedom lies. In the end, our behavior is what matters most because that’s what affects other people the most, not what we’re thinking or feeling.

Learning to do this takes time. Self love is a lifelong journey. You will be challenged. It will be hard to do at times, especially when you think, feel, or act in a way that seems totally out of character for you. However, we all have the ability to have an ongoing tape in our heads that says, “I love you, no matter what.”

The art of saying no

A lot of my clients say they have trouble saying “no” to others. It makes sense when you're a sensitive, empathic, creative, soul - you want to help any way you can and you want to make people feel good. But never saying “no” is totally energy sucking and sometimes you're doing it for the wrong reasons. 

If you find your days are often filled with a bunch of things you wish you hadn’t agreed to do, leaving you exhausted and filled with resentment, then you may want to think about where you could start saying "no".

How do you figure that out?

Try asking yourself these questions:

1. Does it feel like a burdensome obligation, rather than an enthusiastic yes?

2. Do I feel like I couldn’t possibly say no because of what the other person might think of me or how they might feel, BUT the idea of doing the thing makes me feel overwhelmed, overworked, or under-appreciated?

3. Do I want to say yes just to get someone off my back rather than deal with possible conflict or set a healthy boundary?

4. Do I realistically have enough time in my schedule to do this?

5. Could I say "no" now and "yes" later if i wanted to?

6. Could this person actually manage this on their own or find someone else to help?

7. If I do this, what are my expectations about what I’m going to receive in return? If I get nothing, perhaps not even a “thank you”, am I ok with that?

Sometimes it's difficult to answer these questions. You might not know exactly how you feel or what you really think. If this is you, I want to let you in on a little secret: 

It’s ok to wait.

You have every right to say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” Give yourself time to think it over. Journal about it. Talk to a friend. Then decide how you’ll answer. 

When you do say no, remember this - one of my most favorite quotes my own therapist told me years ago:

"No" is a complete sentence.
It doesn't require an explanation. 

When you're not used to saying no, anxiety will probably rear its ugly head when you try. You might feel the need to over explain your situation or reasoning. But you can say no without making excuses, apologizing, or defending yourself. Any of these simple sentences could work:

• "No."

• "I'd love to, but no."

• "I can't, I'm booked up right now."

• "I don't think it's healthy for me to do that."

• "I feel for you, but I'm not able to help out at the moment."

Some people, especially people who are used to you rescuing them, might get upset when you respond this simply. Most people, however, will accept it and move on. Bonus: You'll probably find that people respect you more when you're discerning with your time and energy, and don't always jump to help everyone out.

Now don't get me wrong, being helpful is good! But neglecting yourself and your needs to the point where you're spent and angry at everyone is not. Take care of yourself and you can take better care of others.