The art of busting through fear

Are you like a lot of struggling creatives? Supremely talented and smart, but won’t let others see what you do? You think what you make is crap, even when others say it’s amazing, or you don’t even start your work because you worry about what others will say, how your relationship might change, or because you think it all just sucks? Maybe you have even given up on your creative life because you think it’s “part of growing up”.

Doing creative work is not always easy. It requires as much dedication as (if not more than) other work, but it also requires showing parts of ourselves others don’t always see. We try to make meaning out of the world through our work, which means we have to put ourselves out there way more than others do. This is both a privilege and a hardship. We have this gift to create and emote, but we live in a society that says “Don’t show emotion - it’s weak!”, “Get a real job!”, and “Anyone who wants an alternative lifestyle is weird!”

So we have this privilege that many other people don’t have of being able to be totally authentic, but we wonder exactly how to do that because everyone else keeps telling us it’s bad. No wonder we can get paralyzed!

This all comes down to fear. Fear of being rejected, being abandoned, being vulnerable, being seen, or even fear of success.

There’s nothing wrong with being afraid.

It’s totally understandable! You’ve probably been through some stuff (aka trauma) in your life that was really scary and has caused you to be cautious, to worry how others might react, or to protect yourself from hurt.

But fear is keeping you from moving forward. Fear can really stunt creativity. Fear seeps into relationships and work and all other areas of life, preventing you from moving forward and experiencing joy and fulfillment.

So, here are 5 steps to help you move through fear:

1. Acknowledge it.

Monitor your thoughts. Is all that negative self-talk really fear of rejection? Have you not started your creative project because you have no time or because you’re afraid of changing your routine? Was that angry shout at your partner because you’re really pissed off or because you’re afraid of being left alone? If you discover there might be fear underneath the way you act, take a deep breath and say to yourself, “Ok, I’m afraid.”

2. Tell yourself, “Fear is normal.”

I hate those memes and quotes that say things like “Be fearless”. It’s bullshit! No one is fearless. Fear is not weakness, it’s human! We’re hardwired to experience fear when faced with uncertainty or with something that has hurt us before. Emotional injury is very powerful and invokes some of the same reactions in your body as physical injury. Fear of moving forward, of putting yourself out there in any way, is very common. It’s OK to be afraid. Let me say that again: It’s OK to be afraid! Say it 10 times a day and see how your perception of fear changes.

3. Talk about it.

There’s no greater catalyst for fear than isolation. Fear loves to make you hide away and keep you silent. Take the fear out into the light and show it to people you trust. Tell your best friend, “I really want to finish this project, but I’m scared what people will say.” Ask someone you admire, “What do you do when you can’t seem to move forward?” Tell your partner, “I’m really afraid that if I do this, everything will change.” You may be surprised at the answers you receive. Build your team from those who offer the most insight and support.

4. Move through it with courage.

I hate to tell you this, but fear is always going to be there. It can get WAY better and stop showing up all over the place, but you will never be fearless. Sometimes you just have to be brave and take the leap. I know, I know, easier said than done! If you’ve practiced the first three steps, your level of courage has likely gone up a tad. Take that first step, whatever it is. Buy those supplies, make that outline, sit down at the piano, send that email, write down what you want to say... Sure, you’re probably still nervous, but now you know what the fear is about, that it’s normal, and how the ones you really love and admire will support your courage to “feel the fear and do it anyway”.

5. Take care of yourself.

Be nice to yourself! It might go without saying, but when fear is freaking you the eff out, it’s easy to start hating on yourself. Give yourself permission to move slowly, to take breaks, to repeat any of the steps above if you need to. Talk with a friend. If you think trauma is holding you back, consider going to therapy. Your process is uniquely yours. Let it unfold with you.

Why is growth so difficult? How to get through change, even when it's good.

As the year ends, many of us look back with mixed emotions. Regardless of whether you judge your time as "good" or "bad", the fact remains that you changed in some way. Everyone changes from year to year, even if only minutely. The world is constantly in transition and we are all affected by it. If you lost someone or something, you changed; if you gained someone or something, you changed; if someone close to you lost or gained someone, you are affected because they are.

Being that we are constantly in flux, it seems funny that most of us would be afraid of change, even positive adjustments, in some way. But it's a natural fear of the unknown. We're creatures of habit, so when we don't know what's coming next we get excited, and maybe a bit anxious. Adrenalin pops in to say hello and prepare us for whatever dangers might be ahead. This is why transitions, even positive ones, can be hard to handle.

Sometimes growth is really difficult because it involves some type of loss. Ever had to dump a friend, lover, or spouse because they just didn't feel "right" for you anymore? Ever left a job for a new one or moved to a better neighborhood or another state or country for a new opportunity? All sorts of feelings pop up in these instances, and they usually involve excitement, anxiety, and sadness.

Guess what? Every single one of these feelings is PERFECTLY NORMAL. Many of us shit on ourselves about feeling the bad feelings, though. "I SHOULD feel happy. This is a GOOD thing, so WHY do I feel so scared and sad? I SHOULD stop feeling that way." These thoughts are a one-way ticket to feeling worse. The ironic thing is, the more you allow yourself to feel those bad feelings, the easier and faster you will move through them. And I don't mean wallowing in self-pity, staying in your bed all day. I mean giving yourself permission to feel the myriad of emotions that go along with growth and transition.

Here's an awesome excerpt from Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go. She uses the metaphor of growing out of things as a child to describe the feelings that go along with personal growth.

Just as when we were children and grew out of our favorite toys and clothes, we sometimes grow out of things as adults - people, jobs, homes. This can be confusing. We may wonder why someone or something that was so special and important to us last year doesn't fit the same way in our life today. We may wonder why our feelings have changed.

When we were children, we may have tried to fit an outgrown article of clothing on to our body. Now, as adults, we may go through a time of trying to force-fit attitudes that we have outgrown. We may need to do this to realize the truth. What worked last year, what was so important and special to us in times past, doesn't work anymore because we've changed. We've grown.

We can accept this as valid and important... We can let ourselves go through experimentation and grief as we struggle to make something fit, trying to figure out if indeed it no longer fits, and why. We can explore our feelings and thoughts around what has happened. Then, we can put last year's toys away and make room for the new.

The key points from this quote are: 1. Growth and change are permanent fixtures in our lives. 2. We can choose to let ourselves be just as we are while we move through the process.

Think of it this way: do you think it's right to tell others how they should feel? No? Does it make you feel any better when someone says "you should be happy!"? Didn't think so. Then why is it alright for you to tell yourself how you should feel? I know we all want to feel happy and great all the time because, well, it feels good! But that's just not how humans are. We experience the whole roller coaster of emotions and unfortunately, some of those feelings are difficult, even scary.

There's a lot of people in media and advertising telling you to "be fearless", usually with some incredible image like someone jumping out of a plane or diving off cliff. I'm willing to bet that the people doing those things are super afraid of doing what they're doing, they're just good at recognizing that fear goes hand-in-hand with excitement. It seems that instead of "be fearless", the mantra should be "don't let fear stop you." Because really, no one is fearless.

So I'm here to tell you: it's alright to feel tentative about any type of change. Everyone feels anxious at some point in their lives. Give yourself a break. Let yourself grow and unfold slowly. You'll find it's easier to move forward when you maneuver through those "bad feeling" obstacles, rather than try to pretend they don't exist.

Be Who You Are

I thought I'd share an excerpt from the always insightful book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It's a book of daily meditations and affirmations, primarily written for people "in recovery" from codependency. I find much of it applies to all kinds of people, though. This is the meditation for October 1st. It can be helpful for anyone who has tried to fit in; to squeeze into "the box", discovered that it just doesn't work, but is afraid to truly just be:

Be Who You Are
In recovery, we're learning a new behavior. It's called Be Who You Are.

For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptations? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?

Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves - regardless of the reaction of others.

Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being who we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.

We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.

Today I will own my power to be myself.

Does any of this ring true for you? I'd love to read your thoughts in the comments below, on my facebook, or twitter @therapy4artists #bewhoyouare.