FOUR WAYS TO KEEP FEELING LIKE SHIT

I haven't written a blog in awhile. I could say it's because I've been super busy with clients and just "hibernating" with all of my ideas, which is partially true, but really it's because I've been stuck. Now, I've had a good reason to be: my Dad has Alzheimer's and Type 1 Diabetes. He's been hospitalized multiple times since July with complications from both. He's now at the point where he's in assisted living and will never go home again. He just turned 68 last week. I've spent the last few months reeling from this, visiting him, talking to my stepmother and brothers, and processing, processing, processing. I've been through a different sort of grief before, but it doesn't necessarily make this any easier. However, from that prior experience, and from what I see with clients, I've learned a few things about how we keep ourselves emotionally stuck and how to start moving forward again:

We try to pretend we don't feel the way we feel

Sadness, hopelessness, frustration, nervousness - these are all really shitty feelings. It's no wonder we try to push them away - they hurt! But pretending we don't feel the way we feel often just leads to more feeling crappy. Or if we admit how we do feel, we think we should feel differently. I'll let you in on a little secret: when you're really stuck with a feeling, logic will not make you feel any differently. Instead of pushing a feeling away or telling yourself you should feel differently, try validating your feeling. For instance, I feel really sad about what's going on with my Dad. It's a terrible thing and a lot of times I just want the awful feelings to go away. But when I try to pretend, I just get irritable and uncomfortable. Admitting you feel bad won't immediately make you feel better, but it removes the burden of pretending and allows you to just be as you are.

We let our feelings define us

So, now you've admitted you're sad/anxious/angry, but then you think "I've always felt this way and I will feel this way forever. I am a sad/anxious/angry person." Woof. Now that's a difficult thing to overcome! And often it leads to trying to pretend you don't feel the way you feel. If your feeling defines who you are as a person and you don't like that feeling, then of course you're going to try to force it away. But what if your feeling was just temporary? They usually are. Remember the last time you smiled. Remember when you had a good day, hour, or even just a few minutes. I'll bet you'll find that this bad feeling is just a feeling, not the defining factor of your personality. Now, if you've felt consistently bad for more than two weeks, maybe it's time to see your doctor or find a therapist to talk through what you're experiencing.

We think we always have to put our best foot forward in order to connect

Part of the whole "pretending we don't feel the way we feel" thing is that we want to look ok to other people. We think that being happy and shiny all the time is what people want to see. But really, no one wants to be around a person who pretends to perfect all the time. It gets boring and stale, and you know what? People can see through the BS. Connection comes through genuine vulnerability (thank you, Brené Brown). It takes courage to share the real you. If you think a person is appropriate to share with, maybe "How are you?" can have a different answer than "Fine.", when you're really not fine. Now, oversharing is a thing, too. There's certainly a balance between never saying how you really feel and telling a person you just met your whole life story. A big piece of this puzzle is sharing without expecting the other person to take care of your feelings for you.

We overthink in an attempt to control

Now that I've given you all these things to think about when it comes to your feelings, I'm sure it's pretty annoying to hear, "Don't overthink it!" I know, I know, I'm the worst! But it's true - when we overthink every single interaction because we think we can control how we feel or how others feel about us, we can get big time stuck. The truth is, you can't control emotions. All of these points are about letting go, feeling the way you feel, and gathering the courage to share those feelings with others, without expecting a specific response. Maybe you'll find that some people aren't safe to share with, because they try to fix, or they don't respect your privacy, or they simply won't listen. That's ok. Try again with someone else. You have the choice to share with who you want to. You can trust yourself to think, feel, and take care of yourself.

STOP.

Stop it.
Stop comparing yourself to everyone else.
Stop judging.
Stop telling yourself you're not good enough.
No more flogging yourself internally.

Take your heart, take your gut, take your mind
Take them in your arms
And embrace them.
Embrace them like you would a lover
Or a trusted friend.
Tell them you love them.
Tell them you trust them.
Tell them they deserve everything they want.
Tell them until they start to glow
Then take that light and shine it
So the world can see.

BALANCE IS BULLSHIT

We hear a lot about “finding balance”. The balance between work and life, parenting and couple stuff, balanced eating, drinking, exercising, thinking, BEING. Even I’ve talked about helping people find balance.

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret…

There’s no such thing as balance.When people say they are looking for balance, they often want it all – an immaculate house, a perfect relationship, amazing parenting skills, while kicking all-the-ass at work. I’m telling you, that kind of balance is not possible (unless you’re rich and you pay someone else to do most of this for you). This is especially true when you’re doing your big, meaningful, creative work.

But we get all these messages about how we can and should, make it all happen. When you’re a creative person who's already viewed as “unbalanced” by the rest of the world, this belief can be really damaging. I’ve fallen prey to it myself, but all that lovely training in counseling coupled with my own therapy, and some more recent reading of Danielle Laporte’s amazing works, has helped release me from the burdens of the balance myth.

When we throw ourselves into one project, another inevitably falls by the wayside. I’ve been busy playing in a rock opera band all month. I didn’t have time for rehearsing with my other bands. I didn’t have a ton of time for friends. I didn’t have much time to market my business.

It’s only natural. The scales need to tip if you want to make something big. You don’t hear about Olympians having amazing work-life balance. You hear about them getting up at 5 am to train every day for like, 15 years.

But it can get frustrating. Did I mention my husband was also acting in the rock opera? It’s awesome that we get to do this together. But our house is a mess. We ate like crap all last week. We’ve barely had time for quiet conversation. We still haven’t tackled the laundry. There've been some difficult moments and lots of bitching and moaning. But we’ve come out the other side with our brains, hearts, and bodies in tact and with the sense of fulfillment that we know we helped make something AWESOME.

Here are some tips to help you finish your creative projects without going crazy:

Be aware of what is being sacrificed

If you can, get pre-aware. Create a post or send out an email to your friends and loved ones, “I’m going into a creative cocoon for the next month, so please understand when I decline or don’t respond to your invites.” Prep your partner as much as possible about the time you’ll be missing and about the varying levels of emotion they may see from you. Make plans with them about how the house, pets, and children will be taken care of. Listen when your partner really needs you and be flexible - you may need to adjust your plans as you go along.

Stay focused

It’s really easy to start feeling guily and get distracted by all the things that aren’t getting done. Keep that laser focus on your end game, or you’ll end up surrounded by unfinished work and trust me, that WON’T feel good. If you can’t get it out of your head, make a list of the things you’d like to do when you’re done, then put that list away and GET BACK TO WORK!

Be kind to yourself

Like I said, it’s really easy to start feeling guilty about the stuff you’re neglecting. Remind yourself that this is only temporary. That you’re doing the best you can. When we're seeking balance, what we're really looking for is inner calm. We can't get that by worrying about every single little thing while trying to make something huge and amazing happen. The key is to find inner peace by giving yourself a break. Try to give fewer fucks about the little things (here’s some reading by Mark Manson if you need some help on the subject). The house will get clean later. The laundry will get done. Your friend will forgive you.

The same goes for anyone working with you

We’re all working the same hustle, but we all have different challenges. Forgive the little mistake, the 5 minutes of lateness, the “how-can-we-possibly-get-this-all-done-you-people-are-driving-me-crazy!!” emotional outbursts. Be diligent and hold people accountable, but have some empathy and be respectful. Everyone feels the pressure.

Make up for it later

Throw a party for all your friends when the project is done. Plan a fun weekend with the kids. Go out to dinner with your partner. Do something to show your appreciation for the understanding and support of the people in your life.

But don’t neglect yourself

Set aside some downtime for yourself, first, even if that means just a half hour for a hot bath or a long walk. Your brain and body deserve and need rest after all that amazing stuff you just did! Give yourself what you need, or that time with friends, partners, or kids will feel overwhelming and annoying.

So, where can you give yourself some space to accomplish your creative goals?

Share in the comments! I’d love to hear about your projects and how you get through the challenges you face to accomplish them.

Want more? Follow me on instagram or facebook and be sure to sign up for my mailing list to get these posts sent directly to you, along with other cool stuff!

Your city needs your art

Something incredible happened in Baltimore last week. In the face of injustice, the city came together like never before. We knew about the disparities - the "two Baltimores." We acknowledged it, sometimes. We discussed it, sometimes. Some of us volunteer or work for organizations year round that support the betterment of all. Some of us live it every day.

But when we all watched as people fought back en masse against the tyranny, when we saw how much pain our fellow citizens were in and how the rest of the nation was once again poised to shake its head and look down upon Baltimore, we took to the streets. Some helped clean up; some marched in solidarity; some stepped up to volunteer in staggering numbers.

I've had discussions with many of my creative friends and clients in the past few days. I've read lots of posts and watched video blogs from others artists in the community. Many have done some incredibly powerful artwork already: photography, illustrations, poetry. Even Prince was inspired to record a song.

Others seem to struggle with the question - "How can we, as artists, help?" I've heard a common feeling of uselessness - stuck with the empathy that naturally comes with being a creative person, and the self-doubt that seems to plague many of us.

When I wrote to Alix Tobey Southwick about using her image for this post, she agreed with the sentiment: "Stuck and useless describes how I felt when I started the piece, then my muscle memory took over the pencil in my hand and drew the sketch for the painting. I was so afraid of creating some jingoistic piece of crap. I was so relieved that it was received with such enthusiasm."

Now she is auctioning her painting off at the We Love Baltimore Art Exhibition at the Metro Gallery this month. Not only does her work have meaning, evoking feelings of social justice and the nostalgia of Mr. Rogers, but it will also directly go to help the cause, with all proceeds going to the Baltimore Community Foundation's Rebuilding Fund. 

So, if you're sitting around thinking, "I should just drop this art nonsense and go do something 'useful'," ask yourself, "What impact can I make with my art?" Perhaps you can write a short story involving a metaphor for inequality; create a performance piece about the pain of injustice; go out and take photos of the "two Baltimores"; compose a song evoking the anger of the oppressed.

Of course, if you feel called to volunteer, make a career shift, or finally open up that huge non-profit arts organization, by all means go do it! But please, I'm begging you, don't drop your art. We need your voice. Your unique perspective has the power to create lasting change.

You can bid on Baltimore artist Alix Tobey Southwick's piece and many others at:

We Love Baltimore Art Exhibition and Silent auctionMetro Gallery 1700  N Charles Street Baltimore, MD 21201 Tuesday May 12, 7pm to 11pm, opening and silent auction Proceeds going to Baltimore Community Foundation's Rebuilding Fund

Alix also has an upcoming show:

FABRICATION new paintings by Alix Tobey Southwick Opening reception June 11, 6pm to 9pmOn view for the month of June at Captain Larry's , 601 E. Fort Ave. Baltimore , MD 21230 Captain Larry's has wonderful food and is family friendly.

You can contact Alix at lx2bso@gmail.com

Want connection? Get curious and get open

Have you ever been in love? Or at least in major “like”? Even if you never talked to the person, you were super curious, right? And you wanted that person to notice you, to ask you questions, to know you.

I remember when I first developed a crush on my husband, I wanted to know EVERYTHING about him. “Where did you grow up? Who is your best friend? What do you like to listen to?” And I crazily wanted him to know EVERYTHING about me. I practiced talking to him when I was alone, blasting music in my car, figuring out what to say that would sound cool. “Yeah, I love Nine Inch Nails. I’ve been listening to them since I was like 10.” (Bless his heart, my husband tried so hard to get into NIN. He just doesn’t like Trent. It’s ok... lots of people don’t like Trent.) I blurted out the most random and personal stuff when we were getting to know each other. Shit that I would never tell someone I just met, but I wanted him to really KNOW me, just as much as I wanted to know him. I was super curious and I really wanted him to see me, so I was willing to be super open.

This applies to friends and romantic love. I know I’ve had some friend crushes that started this way, too. If you think someone is cool, you ask questions and you get really open for them.

Long-term relationships get stale because we lose curiosity and vulnerability. We assume we know everything about each other. We stop asking questions. We also assume that if we have something new and different to share - a fear, an idea, whatever - that we’ll rock the boat too much, be seen as weird, or get rejected. Sometimes we get defensive when our partners or old friends want to do something new. Anxiety steps in. We assume it’s because we’re not good enough for them anymore and we get scared they’ll leave us.

If you’re feeling disconnected, I challenge you to get curious and get open, right now. Ask a question of your partner, your old friend, or maybe a new acquaintance you’d like to know better. Something with depth, so not “How was your day?”, but more like, “What do you want most in life?” or “What personal accomplishment are you most proud of?” See where the conversation goes from there. If you want to share something, try a need, a want, a feeling, or a fear. Make sure it’s yours, so not “I want you to take out the trash”, but more like “I’d love for us to have more time together” or “I really hate my job, but I’m afraid to try something new.” The heartfelt questions; the willingness to be open – that’s where the connection is.

And feel free to guide the conversation where you want it. If you’re looking for support, but the person you’re talking to starts giving advice or telling you you should be thankful for what you have, get open again (because this is vulnerability at its finest) and say something like, “I appreciate your opinion and I know you’re saying it out of love, but that’s not helpful to me right now. What I’m looking for is a bit of support and comfort.” You might hear some confusion or defensiveness at first. Be gentle and go slowly, new ways of interacting can be uncomfortable for everyone involved.

In that same vein, if your partner or friend gets vulnerable with you, really telling you about his/her feelings, and you start to feel defensive, wait. Take a moment to validate the other person’s feelings – they may need comforting and understanding. Your side will be easier to hear if the other also feels heard.

Questions? Thoughts? Compliments? Complaints?

Share ‘em in the comments below, or hit me up on Facebook or Twitter. And don’t forget to sign up for the email newsletter to get all this and more!