The problem with being creative & intelligent

HOLY CRAP I MADE A VLOG. I was writing my blog for this month, again talking about vulnerability and connection and it just wasn't feeling really exciting for me. It didn't feel right, but I figured I was just in a mood or something and I would post it anyway.

Then yesterday, it hit me: How can I ask people to be really vulnerable when I'm not willing to do it myself? Whoa. I'd been considering doing video for awhile, but I had tons of excuses as to why I hadn't done it, yet. The truth is: I was afraid. And for a multitude of reasons (maybe you'll identify with some of them when it comes to your important work): fear of criticism, fear of being seen, fear of being more successful, oh and the ever-present "fraud police" - Who the hell do I think I am?" But yesterday I quieted those voices down a bit, put my phone in my office window, and hit record.

So, here's my vlog all about how, despite how amazing you are, I know it can get lonely being highly creative and intelligent. No matter what, we're human and humans need other people. Here's how you make meaningful connections (hint: you have to put yourself out there.)

This was a scary one for me, folks. Really putting MYSELF out there.

What do you think? I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences on the loneliness of being creative and how you take risks to be fully you and make connections.

Also - do you want to see more vlogs? Now that I've taken the big leap, I'm perfectly happy to make more in the future. Let me know what you want to hear about!

Share in the comments below, on my Facebook page, or on Twitter.

Remember, you're not dysfunctional, you're creative and you are awesome!

xo

Lauren

I am so grateful for all of you

This holiday season I just want to say, "Thank you" to each and every one of you. To my loved ones, thank you for supporting me and giving me the confidence to do what I love. To my fellow helpers and artists, thank you for inspiring me to think big and different. To my clients, thank you for sharing your lives with me - for trusting me with your most intimate emotions, thoughts, and desires. You allow me to do what I dream. Your willingness to work on your lives shows great courage. It may feel like it is only about you, but your work really does make the world a better place. You generate hope and eventually, you'll hand that hope on to someone else.

Happy Holidays!

<3

Lauren

Gratitude without guilt

I have an amazing mother. She is one of the most giving people I know. She's the kind of woman that remembers everyone's birthday (even like, the granddaughter of a co-worker's birthday) and makes sure to send something every single year. She's always given to charity, even when she didn't have all that much. Whenever I see her, she gives me something. She takes me out to lunch, she takes me shopping, or she just hands me some money. I'm her baby and she loves taking care of me. I know that if I'm ever in need, I can turn to her for help. She is the best and I am eternally grateful to her.

But man, do I feel guilty sometimes! I think, "I'm 35, I don't need my mom buying me clothes. I should be buying HER nice things!" When I've actually had to ask her for money, the guilt train really comes barreling in. I feel like I piece of shit when I have to ask for her help and there's no reason for it! She's never made me feel guilty for needing help. Like I said, she's happy to give and the truth is, she's better off than me. I've got graduate school bills to pay and a fledgling business to maintain. A free lunch here, a few bucks there, it's really nice - not to mention the time I get to spend with my awesome mom.

I always thought guilt and gratitude were inseparable. There's a voice in my head that says, "It's ok to accept this, but you'd better feel bad about it." Maybe because it's considered polite to say, "Oh thank you, but you really shouldn't have." Maybe because some people make you feel like you owe them once they give you something. Maybe because I think I don't really deserve it.

Here's the thing: Feeling like you owe someone kills gratitude. Seriously, there are studies on it. The more you feel like you owe someone - and the more they remind you of it - the less likely you are to feel thankful for the help. By now, you've probably heard about all the great mental, emotional, and even physical benefits of a consistent gratitude practice. But what about separating feelings of guilt and indebtedness from that practice? Imagine how much better you would feel if you could just simply be thankful for the gifts, love, care, and luck you receive, and not experience guilt about how much people have given you or about how little others have in comparison.

So how do we do it? Here are a few things to try:

1. Simply say, "Thank you." There's no need to hem and haw and say, "Oh, no, I can't." or "You shouldn't have!" or "I'll get you back, later." Think of how annoying it is when you genuinely give something to someone and they respond like that.

2. Try this mantra on for size, "I am worthy." Remember what you've done for the person or for other people, or imagine what you WOULD do if you could.

3. Give when you can. Pay it forward, right? I find it helps to balance the flow of giving and receiving.

4. Along these same lines, when someone says "Thank you", try simply responding with "You're welcome" instead of "No problem!" or "No worries!" What you did has value or the person wouldn't be thanking you. Take that on. It's ok to feel good about giving!

Now, I find that these things work for me when I'm feeling guilty about getting. Try them on and see what works for you.

I'd love to hear what you think or hear your ideas about how to separate guilt from gratitude. Leave me a comment to share!

The art of busting through fear

Are you like a lot of struggling creatives? Supremely talented and smart, but won’t let others see what you do? You think what you make is crap, even when others say it’s amazing, or you don’t even start your work because you worry about what others will say, how your relationship might change, or because you think it all just sucks? Maybe you have even given up on your creative life because you think it’s “part of growing up”.

Doing creative work is not always easy. It requires as much dedication as (if not more than) other work, but it also requires showing parts of ourselves others don’t always see. We try to make meaning out of the world through our work, which means we have to put ourselves out there way more than others do. This is both a privilege and a hardship. We have this gift to create and emote, but we live in a society that says “Don’t show emotion - it’s weak!”, “Get a real job!”, and “Anyone who wants an alternative lifestyle is weird!”

So we have this privilege that many other people don’t have of being able to be totally authentic, but we wonder exactly how to do that because everyone else keeps telling us it’s bad. No wonder we can get paralyzed!

This all comes down to fear. Fear of being rejected, being abandoned, being vulnerable, being seen, or even fear of success.

There’s nothing wrong with being afraid.

It’s totally understandable! You’ve probably been through some stuff (aka trauma) in your life that was really scary and has caused you to be cautious, to worry how others might react, or to protect yourself from hurt.

But fear is keeping you from moving forward. Fear can really stunt creativity. Fear seeps into relationships and work and all other areas of life, preventing you from moving forward and experiencing joy and fulfillment.

So, here are 5 steps to help you move through fear:

1. Acknowledge it.

Monitor your thoughts. Is all that negative self-talk really fear of rejection? Have you not started your creative project because you have no time or because you’re afraid of changing your routine? Was that angry shout at your partner because you’re really pissed off or because you’re afraid of being left alone? If you discover there might be fear underneath the way you act, take a deep breath and say to yourself, “Ok, I’m afraid.”

2. Tell yourself, “Fear is normal.”

I hate those memes and quotes that say things like “Be fearless”. It’s bullshit! No one is fearless. Fear is not weakness, it’s human! We’re hardwired to experience fear when faced with uncertainty or with something that has hurt us before. Emotional injury is very powerful and invokes some of the same reactions in your body as physical injury. Fear of moving forward, of putting yourself out there in any way, is very common. It’s OK to be afraid. Let me say that again: It’s OK to be afraid! Say it 10 times a day and see how your perception of fear changes.

3. Talk about it.

There’s no greater catalyst for fear than isolation. Fear loves to make you hide away and keep you silent. Take the fear out into the light and show it to people you trust. Tell your best friend, “I really want to finish this project, but I’m scared what people will say.” Ask someone you admire, “What do you do when you can’t seem to move forward?” Tell your partner, “I’m really afraid that if I do this, everything will change.” You may be surprised at the answers you receive. Build your team from those who offer the most insight and support.

4. Move through it with courage.

I hate to tell you this, but fear is always going to be there. It can get WAY better and stop showing up all over the place, but you will never be fearless. Sometimes you just have to be brave and take the leap. I know, I know, easier said than done! If you’ve practiced the first three steps, your level of courage has likely gone up a tad. Take that first step, whatever it is. Buy those supplies, make that outline, sit down at the piano, send that email, write down what you want to say... Sure, you’re probably still nervous, but now you know what the fear is about, that it’s normal, and how the ones you really love and admire will support your courage to “feel the fear and do it anyway”.

5. Take care of yourself.

Be nice to yourself! It might go without saying, but when fear is freaking you the eff out, it’s easy to start hating on yourself. Give yourself permission to move slowly, to take breaks, to repeat any of the steps above if you need to. Talk with a friend. If you think trauma is holding you back, consider going to therapy. Your process is uniquely yours. Let it unfold with you.

You are not the problem

“I’m anxious… Her depression… My alcoholism… His ADHD…” I hear people make these types of statements all the time. They’re used to label feelings and behaviors that get in the way of personal functioning and progress. They fit with either an official or unofficial diagnosis of “symptoms” that the person demonstrates. Think about this statement for a moment, though: “I am anxious.” The words “I am” serve as markers of our identities. You’re no longer nervous because you’re going through immense change in your life, like grief or loss, a new job, a move, or conquering an addiction, you ARE anxious. You ARE anxiety. Just saying that sentence in my head gives me butterflies! It feels fixed, permanent, and irreversable.

I believe there is a problem with using the medical model for mental health. It stigmatizes our feelings and experiences, turning them into illnesses we have - and often we’re told we’ll have them forever! What if your doctor said, “You have a cold and you’ll have it forever, so just take this medication for the rest of your life?” I’m willing to bet you’d get another doctor. So why do we so easily accept the idea that 1 in 5 of us have a mental illness? That’s about equal to the highest estimate of people who get the flu every year! Now don’t get me wrong, some people have chronic medical conditions and some people have very serious mental illnesses. However, emotional/mental health and human experience are far more spectral, complicated, personal, and contextual to place within a simplified diagnosis. Unlike most diseases, I can’t look at your mental health under a slide or through an Xray or MRI and say, “Yes, you have depression.” Even a pattern of brainwaves doesn’t tell us a definitive story and in fact, doesn’t mean a condition is permanent. Interpersonal neurobiology for instance, argues that connections between neurons are created by our interactions with each other and are even changeable over time.

So, what if we drop ownership of these labels and instead shift them to something external? That doesn’t mean blaming someone else, it means making the problem the problem. What if we said “The anxiety…the depression…the alcoholism…the ADHD”? Take your issue, or your partner’s, child’s, or friend’s, and phrase it this way. For example, “The ADHD won’t let my child finish her homework.” or “When Anxiety shows up, I can’t seem to get the words out.” Do you feel a change in your perspective? Does it let a little Hope in to consider something not as part of your identity, but rather an outside thing you might be able to wrangle?

This is the first step in narrative therapy, a theoretical perspective I use in my work with many of my clients. I operate with the understanding that “my clients are not the problem, the problem is the problem.” Take a moment and think: How does it feel to take your identity out of the diagnosis and focus on it as an external thing you can manipulate? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.

Ready to address that problem head on? Contact me for a counseling consultation today.