Feelings are real, but they aren't reality

If you're one of my clients, you may have heard me mention this last week. Dan Harmon, the creator of Rick and Morty responded to a fan's tweet looking for advice about depression. His answer was fabulous - you can read the whole thing here. What I found most remarkable was this statement: "Feelings are real, but they aren't reality." I've been saying this in therapeutic ways for years, but Harmon put it so simply, I had to share.

So what does it mean? First and foremost, your feelings are valid. You don't need to question whether you should feel a certain way or not. You just feel that way and you really can’t control that, so it's perfectly ok to be gentle with yourself and your emotions. It’s perfectly ok to feel like crap! We can’t be happy all the time.

What you may want to question, though, is whether the thoughts you have around the feeling are based in reality. How do you do that? Take a look at the evidence. 

For instance, the feeling of loneliness can sometimes be accompanied by thoughts like, "I'll always be lonely. I've always been lonely. Everyone hates me." But is that true? Look at the evidence. When was the last time you felt connected to someone? Who in your life would you consider a friend? Does everyone hate you or is there someone who kind of likes you, maybe even loves you? If you take a moment to acknowledge the feeling, but then look at the facts, you'll probably find that the thoughts maybe aren't so realistic. 

But what if this doesn’t work?

When we’re really feeling terrible, it can be hard to find any contradicting evidence. The thoughts about how terrible we are might override anything else. When this happens, you might try the technique of defusion. This means first accepting that those thoughts are there and they’re totally normal! You don’t try to change them, but you can take away their power. 

One of my favorite ways to defuse thoughts is this one from The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, a book about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:

Take your thought and whittle it down to what’s really at the core of it. “I’m not good enough” is a common, crappy, unhelpful thought I know I have all the time. Now, say to yourself “I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough” (or whatever your thought is). Say it 3 times. Breathe. Notice what happens. Then, take it even further and say to yourself “I notice that I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough” and say that to yourself 3 times. What happens? Does the thought feel a little further away? A little less painful? 

There are lots of other ways to defuse thoughts. I highly recommend reading The Happiness Trap for more about this technique and others that can help you to get out of your head and move on with your life.

Want help managing your thoughts and feelings so you can create what’s in your heart?

Check out my course Create with Confidence: A seven day journey from stuck to flow.