The art of saying no

A lot of my clients say they have trouble saying “no” to others. It makes sense when you're a sensitive, empathic, creative, soul - you want to help any way you can and you want to make people feel good. But never saying “no” is totally energy sucking and sometimes you're doing it for the wrong reasons. 

If you find your days are often filled with a bunch of things you wish you hadn’t agreed to do, leaving you exhausted and filled with resentment, then you may want to think about where you could start saying "no".

How do you figure that out?

Try asking yourself these questions:

1. Does it feel like a burdensome obligation, rather than an enthusiastic yes?

2. Do I feel like I couldn’t possibly say no because of what the other person might think of me or how they might feel, BUT the idea of doing the thing makes me feel overwhelmed, overworked, or under-appreciated?

3. Do I want to say yes just to get someone off my back rather than deal with possible conflict or set a healthy boundary?

4. Do I realistically have enough time in my schedule to do this?

5. Could I say "no" now and "yes" later if i wanted to?

6. Could this person actually manage this on their own or find someone else to help?

7. If I do this, what are my expectations about what I’m going to receive in return? If I get nothing, perhaps not even a “thank you”, am I ok with that?

Sometimes it's difficult to answer these questions. You might not know exactly how you feel or what you really think. If this is you, I want to let you in on a little secret: 

It’s ok to wait.

You have every right to say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” Give yourself time to think it over. Journal about it. Talk to a friend. Then decide how you’ll answer. 

When you do say no, remember this - one of my most favorite quotes my own therapist told me years ago:

"No" is a complete sentence.
It doesn't require an explanation. 

When you're not used to saying no, anxiety will probably rear its ugly head when you try. You might feel the need to over explain your situation or reasoning. But you can say no without making excuses, apologizing, or defending yourself. Any of these simple sentences could work:

• "No."

• "I'd love to, but no."

• "I can't, I'm booked up right now."

• "I don't think it's healthy for me to do that."

• "I feel for you, but I'm not able to help out at the moment."

Some people, especially people who are used to you rescuing them, might get upset when you respond this simply. Most people, however, will accept it and move on. Bonus: You'll probably find that people respect you more when you're discerning with your time and energy, and don't always jump to help everyone out.

Now don't get me wrong, being helpful is good! But neglecting yourself and your needs to the point where you're spent and angry at everyone is not. Take care of yourself and you can take better care of others.

What’s your armor?

She’s so cool. Nothing ever phases her.

He’ll never commit.

They know it all.

She lets everyone walk all over her.

He’s so angry all the time.

They’re so stubborn. 

Ever say these things about someone you know? Ever have them said about you? 

Each and every one of these so-called "personality traits" are actually well-constructed defenses. They're protection against difficult feelings - what Brené Brown refers to as "vulnerability armor". This armor allows us not to deal with the emotions and thoughts that we're most afraid or ashamed of. 

The armor makes sense. We needed the protection at some point, usually when we were young. It helped us cope with things we couldn't deal with otherwise. 

But vulnerability armor cuts out authentic connection. We close our true selves off from those we love, never really being seen. Eventually, we get tired of this lack of connection, but feel like we're stuck because taking off the armor feels strange and scary. Anxiety, sadness, and self-doubt usually follow and we get confused as to why we can't just feel free to be ourselves. We know we should, but we can't.

There are steps to taking off armor. You can't just shuck it off in one fell swoop. You need to carefully remove each piece to help rewire your brain. Here's a guide to removing the pieces:

1. Identify what your armor is.
   It might take a little while to see it. A good way to recognize it is to look at the interactions that really make you angry, afraid, hurt, or embarrassed. If you have trouble identifying those feelings, try going for what happens in your body. What past conversations or events make your heart race, face flush, or your stomach churn?

2. Identify what your armor is for and where it came from.
   Does it protect you from taking risks? From feeling powerless or out of control? From feeling hurt? When did you need that? Who was unsafe or told you it wasn't ok to feel your true feelings? Get curious - become an observer of yourself - and journal about it.

3. Identify the benefits of taking off your armor.
   What are all the good things that could happen when you take the risk to be more open with others? Who do you want to feel more connected to? How might you feel different? For example, you could feel more connected, more joyful, more free, and less lonely.

4. Try taking it off - but not with everyone.
   You have to do this carefully. If you take it off with just anyone your efforts will likely backfire and you'll end up wanting even more protection. Look for the people in your life that you think might react the best to you being vulnerable. That means sharing your true feelings and self with someone. It could look like any of these things:
   - Being your dorky, silly self
   - Telling someone you love them
   - Crying in front of someone
   - Asking for help or advice
   - Setting a healthy boundary

Taking these steps will not always be easy. They will come with difficult feelings that may be hard to manage. Breathe. Be gentle with yourself. This is tough stuff. It will take time, lots of practice, and lots of courage. You'll go back and forth. It's ok. You can do it.

We all have vulnerability armor. What's yours?

When to ask for help

As a therapist and coach, one of the many questions I get asked is, "How do you know when it's time to ask for help?" I totally get why people ask this. It can be difficult to figure out when to say "when", especially if you're a high-functioning person like most of my clients are. In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, here are three major signs you could benefit from some outside help:

1. When you aren't functioning well

This can mean something different for everyone, but one of the most telltale ways to notice is through your body. When we're not functioning well we can have all sorts of physical symptoms, like sleeping too much or too little, stomach problems, skin problems, racing heart rate, panic attacks, eating too much or too little, aches and pains that seem to come out of nowhere, and other physical issues. Things may look great on the outside - you're killing it at work, you're finishing all your creative projects, and you're spending time with family and friends - but maybe you're rushing to the bathroom several times a day or you're tossing and turning all night with your mind running a million miles a minute. This is a sign you aren't functioning well and might need to seek out some help.

2. When someone close to you says something

You might also ask for help when someone close to you starts noticing you're not functioning well. Maybe you're dropping the ball at work or at home. Maybe you're more irritable or spacey than usual. Maybe you're drinking too much. Loved ones can offer us an outside perspective we might not be seeing. When someone else points this stuff out, it can be difficult to accept, but if it comes from someone you trust, who you know has a good head on their shoulders, I encourage you to give it some serious thought.

3. When you feel stuck

Sometimes we just can't get out of crappy feelings or we can't seem to move forward. A lot of my clients come to me with this type of feeling. They say things like, "I'm anxious all the time and I'm tired of it.", "I'm ready to take my creative work to the next level, but I'm terrible at self-discipline.", or "My partner and I keep having the same fight over and over again." Being stuck is the most common reason people come to therapy or coaching. If you feel like you've been stuck for awhile, it might be time to seek out some help.

Help can come in many forms

It doesn't always have to be structured or professional. It can be a long conversation with a trusted friend or mentor, a request of your partner to listen more, a support or accountability group, or - of course - a therapy or coaching session. If you're looking to find a great therapist, I encourage you to take a look at my handy guide on the subject. It contains links to directories, tips on what to ask during your consultation, and advice for getting the most for your time and money.

No matter who you are, it's ok to ask for help. Your love and care for others - and your creativity - are only enhanced when you take the time to care for yourself. 

Is your relationship cheat-proof?

Let me answer that for you: No, it isn't. There’s no monogamous relationship that’s 100% guaranteed safe from an affair. Sometimes feelings develop for other people. It's only natural. But it can be a signal that something is missing from your relationship or your life.

So, what do you do if you or your partner gets feelings for someone else? This answer is often the key to whether or not your relationship survives an affair or even a potential affair. We need a sense of safety in a relationship in order to thrive. With that safety comes honesty, trust, and respect. When we have feelings for someone else we immediately have a choice: Tell our partners or don't. What matters is how safe it feels to talk with our partners. 

How would you react if your partner told you they had feelings for someone else? Would you get angry? Would you break up with them? Would you forbid them from leaving the house? Or would you listen and acknowledge their feelings? Would you be honest about your feelings? Would you ask your partner if there's anything you can do to help your relationship? Would you discuss polyamory? Or suggest couples counseling?

There are so many possible outcomes when feelings arise for someone else. What we need to understand, however, is that only we are responsible for our actions. If you've made a clear, monogamous commitment to someone, I encourage you to stop before you act on any romantic feelings for someone else. "One thing led to another," is a lot harder to hear than, "I think I have feelings for someone else and I don't know what to do."

What are your experiences with infidelity?

Have you developed feelings for someone else while in a monogamous relationship? What did you do?

Have you ever been cheated on? Did you work it out? What do you wish your partner would have done?

Leave a comment below and tell me what happened.

Feelings are real, but they aren't reality

If you're one of my clients, you may have heard me mention this last week. Dan Harmon, the creator of Rick and Morty responded to a fan's tweet looking for advice about depression. His answer was fabulous - you can read the whole thing here. What I found most remarkable was this statement: "Feelings are real, but they aren't reality." I've been saying this in therapeutic ways for years, but Harmon put it so simply, I had to share.

So what does it mean? First and foremost, your feelings are valid. You don't need to question whether you should feel a certain way or not. You just feel that way and you really can’t control that, so it's perfectly ok to be gentle with yourself and your emotions. It’s perfectly ok to feel like crap! We can’t be happy all the time.

What you may want to question, though, is whether the thoughts you have around the feeling are based in reality. How do you do that? Take a look at the evidence. 

For instance, the feeling of loneliness can sometimes be accompanied by thoughts like, "I'll always be lonely. I've always been lonely. Everyone hates me." But is that true? Look at the evidence. When was the last time you felt connected to someone? Who in your life would you consider a friend? Does everyone hate you or is there someone who kind of likes you, maybe even loves you? If you take a moment to acknowledge the feeling, but then look at the facts, you'll probably find that the thoughts maybe aren't so realistic. 

But what if this doesn’t work?

When we’re really feeling terrible, it can be hard to find any contradicting evidence. The thoughts about how terrible we are might override anything else. When this happens, you might try the technique of defusion. This means first accepting that those thoughts are there and they’re totally normal! You don’t try to change them, but you can take away their power. 

One of my favorite ways to defuse thoughts is this one from The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris, a book about Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:

Take your thought and whittle it down to what’s really at the core of it. “I’m not good enough” is a common, crappy, unhelpful thought I know I have all the time. Now, say to yourself “I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough” (or whatever your thought is). Say it 3 times. Breathe. Notice what happens. Then, take it even further and say to yourself “I notice that I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough” and say that to yourself 3 times. What happens? Does the thought feel a little further away? A little less painful? 

There are lots of other ways to defuse thoughts. I highly recommend reading The Happiness Trap for more about this technique and others that can help you to get out of your head and move on with your life.

Want help managing your thoughts and feelings so you can create what’s in your heart?

Check out my course Create with Confidence: A seven day journey from stuck to flow.