BALANCE IS BULLSHIT

We hear a lot about “finding balance”. The balance between work and life, parenting and couple stuff, balanced eating, drinking, exercising, thinking, BEING. Even I’ve talked about helping people find balance.

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret…

There’s no such thing as balance.When people say they are looking for balance, they often want it all – an immaculate house, a perfect relationship, amazing parenting skills, while kicking all-the-ass at work. I’m telling you, that kind of balance is not possible (unless you’re rich and you pay someone else to do most of this for you). This is especially true when you’re doing your big, meaningful, creative work.

But we get all these messages about how we can and should, make it all happen. When you’re a creative person who's already viewed as “unbalanced” by the rest of the world, this belief can be really damaging. I’ve fallen prey to it myself, but all that lovely training in counseling coupled with my own therapy, and some more recent reading of Danielle Laporte’s amazing works, has helped release me from the burdens of the balance myth.

When we throw ourselves into one project, another inevitably falls by the wayside. I’ve been busy playing in a rock opera band all month. I didn’t have time for rehearsing with my other bands. I didn’t have a ton of time for friends. I didn’t have much time to market my business.

It’s only natural. The scales need to tip if you want to make something big. You don’t hear about Olympians having amazing work-life balance. You hear about them getting up at 5 am to train every day for like, 15 years.

But it can get frustrating. Did I mention my husband was also acting in the rock opera? It’s awesome that we get to do this together. But our house is a mess. We ate like crap all last week. We’ve barely had time for quiet conversation. We still haven’t tackled the laundry. There've been some difficult moments and lots of bitching and moaning. But we’ve come out the other side with our brains, hearts, and bodies in tact and with the sense of fulfillment that we know we helped make something AWESOME.

Here are some tips to help you finish your creative projects without going crazy:

Be aware of what is being sacrificed

If you can, get pre-aware. Create a post or send out an email to your friends and loved ones, “I’m going into a creative cocoon for the next month, so please understand when I decline or don’t respond to your invites.” Prep your partner as much as possible about the time you’ll be missing and about the varying levels of emotion they may see from you. Make plans with them about how the house, pets, and children will be taken care of. Listen when your partner really needs you and be flexible - you may need to adjust your plans as you go along.

Stay focused

It’s really easy to start feeling guily and get distracted by all the things that aren’t getting done. Keep that laser focus on your end game, or you’ll end up surrounded by unfinished work and trust me, that WON’T feel good. If you can’t get it out of your head, make a list of the things you’d like to do when you’re done, then put that list away and GET BACK TO WORK!

Be kind to yourself

Like I said, it’s really easy to start feeling guilty about the stuff you’re neglecting. Remind yourself that this is only temporary. That you’re doing the best you can. When we're seeking balance, what we're really looking for is inner calm. We can't get that by worrying about every single little thing while trying to make something huge and amazing happen. The key is to find inner peace by giving yourself a break. Try to give fewer fucks about the little things (here’s some reading by Mark Manson if you need some help on the subject). The house will get clean later. The laundry will get done. Your friend will forgive you.

The same goes for anyone working with you

We’re all working the same hustle, but we all have different challenges. Forgive the little mistake, the 5 minutes of lateness, the “how-can-we-possibly-get-this-all-done-you-people-are-driving-me-crazy!!” emotional outbursts. Be diligent and hold people accountable, but have some empathy and be respectful. Everyone feels the pressure.

Make up for it later

Throw a party for all your friends when the project is done. Plan a fun weekend with the kids. Go out to dinner with your partner. Do something to show your appreciation for the understanding and support of the people in your life.

But don’t neglect yourself

Set aside some downtime for yourself, first, even if that means just a half hour for a hot bath or a long walk. Your brain and body deserve and need rest after all that amazing stuff you just did! Give yourself what you need, or that time with friends, partners, or kids will feel overwhelming and annoying.

So, where can you give yourself some space to accomplish your creative goals?

Share in the comments! I’d love to hear about your projects and how you get through the challenges you face to accomplish them.

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Your city needs your art

Something incredible happened in Baltimore last week. In the face of injustice, the city came together like never before. We knew about the disparities - the "two Baltimores." We acknowledged it, sometimes. We discussed it, sometimes. Some of us volunteer or work for organizations year round that support the betterment of all. Some of us live it every day.

But when we all watched as people fought back en masse against the tyranny, when we saw how much pain our fellow citizens were in and how the rest of the nation was once again poised to shake its head and look down upon Baltimore, we took to the streets. Some helped clean up; some marched in solidarity; some stepped up to volunteer in staggering numbers.

I've had discussions with many of my creative friends and clients in the past few days. I've read lots of posts and watched video blogs from others artists in the community. Many have done some incredibly powerful artwork already: photography, illustrations, poetry. Even Prince was inspired to record a song.

Others seem to struggle with the question - "How can we, as artists, help?" I've heard a common feeling of uselessness - stuck with the empathy that naturally comes with being a creative person, and the self-doubt that seems to plague many of us.

When I wrote to Alix Tobey Southwick about using her image for this post, she agreed with the sentiment: "Stuck and useless describes how I felt when I started the piece, then my muscle memory took over the pencil in my hand and drew the sketch for the painting. I was so afraid of creating some jingoistic piece of crap. I was so relieved that it was received with such enthusiasm."

Now she is auctioning her painting off at the We Love Baltimore Art Exhibition at the Metro Gallery this month. Not only does her work have meaning, evoking feelings of social justice and the nostalgia of Mr. Rogers, but it will also directly go to help the cause, with all proceeds going to the Baltimore Community Foundation's Rebuilding Fund. 

So, if you're sitting around thinking, "I should just drop this art nonsense and go do something 'useful'," ask yourself, "What impact can I make with my art?" Perhaps you can write a short story involving a metaphor for inequality; create a performance piece about the pain of injustice; go out and take photos of the "two Baltimores"; compose a song evoking the anger of the oppressed.

Of course, if you feel called to volunteer, make a career shift, or finally open up that huge non-profit arts organization, by all means go do it! But please, I'm begging you, don't drop your art. We need your voice. Your unique perspective has the power to create lasting change.

You can bid on Baltimore artist Alix Tobey Southwick's piece and many others at:

We Love Baltimore Art Exhibition and Silent auctionMetro Gallery 1700  N Charles Street Baltimore, MD 21201 Tuesday May 12, 7pm to 11pm, opening and silent auction Proceeds going to Baltimore Community Foundation's Rebuilding Fund

Alix also has an upcoming show:

FABRICATION new paintings by Alix Tobey Southwick Opening reception June 11, 6pm to 9pmOn view for the month of June at Captain Larry's , 601 E. Fort Ave. Baltimore , MD 21230 Captain Larry's has wonderful food and is family friendly.

You can contact Alix at lx2bso@gmail.com

Crazy or just creative? How mental health can be a matter of perception.

Ever stay up all night working on a creative project? So excited, it's all you think about, you obsess over it and have trouble focusing on anything but. You can barely sleep - IT'S JUST SO AWESOME! Ever feel terrible when your play, show, or art opening was over? You sink down, and often think "I should be happy, but I feel awful. I'm SO sad." You can't do anything and you just want to sleep.

Sadly, when some doctors and parents see this in children, they diagnose them with bipolar disorder or ADHD. And it seems to fit the bill: states of prolonged mania or hyperactivity, sometimes followed by states of depression. It all seems unmanageable and to an unwitting parent, it is probably very frightening. So kids end up on drugs like Ritalin or Lithium and often abandon their creative activities. Meanwhile the "disease" is still not gone, just "managed"... for the time being.

Creative adults usually understand the inevitable ups and downs of creative work. Sometimes they're hard for us to handle and we HATE those times when we can't think and create. But gifted children and their parents, teachers, and doctors don't see this roller coaster as "normal" (whatever that means). So they end up on really serious drugs for perhaps no good reason, other than to make those around them more comfortable.

In 2008, a study came out on these types of children. Mahnaz Sadre and Linda Brock, fueled by other studies that link mental illness and creativity, presented five different case studies in which creatively gifted children and adolescents were previously diagnosed as having bipolar disorder or ADHD and given medication for their conditions. For the study, the authors provided the kids and their families with therapy that focused on their creative talents and educated parents about the creative process. In each case, the children improved significantly and eventually stopped taking most, if not all, of their psych meds.

This is a prime example of what I want to impart to people: mental health "problems" are often a matter of social dynamics. If we're told we are bad, wrong, crazy, stupid... we eventually believe we are and our brains physically change in accordance with that. However, we can change our brains and learn to think differently, behave differently, and interact differently. If we shift our perspectives, even just a little bit, we can drastically change our place in the world.

I'll give you some examples of how to do this in my next post! Meanwhile, I'd love to hear how perspective affects how you view yourself and the world.

No one made you creative, you just are

I recently read Thomas Frank’s opinion piece on Salon.com entitled “TED talks are lying to you” and it got me thinking. In a nutshell, Frank comments on the rise of information, mainly books, about how to be creative or how creativity helps in any job, written by individuals who are essentially upper-class conformists. He notes how the same stories about product innovations are regurgitated throughout these books, while true creatives trying to make it in the world are suffering. He also mentions over and over again that he came to this revelation while in the bathtub.

The title is misleading, as he says little about TED talks, and seems to be lumping all talks into one category: “white billionaires” telling you how to harness creativity. If you’ve watched a lot of TED talks, you’ll know there is much more to it than that. Some of my favorite talks are by therapists, neuroscientists, musicians, comedians, and even gamers. The majority of these talks are less about marketing products or telling people to “be creative” and more about sharing ideas. But I digress because again, Frank’s article actually has little to do with TED talks and more to do with a trend in book sales and marketing.

Here’s the part of the piece that struck me hardest:

A final clue came from “Creativity: Flow and the Psychology of Discovery and Invention” (1996), in which Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi acknowledges that, far from being an act of individual inspiration, what we call creativity is simply an expression of professional consensus. Using Vincent van Gogh as an example, the author declares that the artist’s “creativity came into being when a sufficient number of art experts felt that his paintings had something important to contribute to the domain of art.” Innovation, that is, exists only when the correctly credentialed hivemind agrees that it does. And “without such a response,” the author continues, “van Gogh would have remained what he was, a disturbed man who painted strange canvases.” What determines “creativity,” in other words, is the very faction it’s supposedly rebelling against: established expertise.

I saw several comments below the article noting this portion as one of the most insightful. I disagree and here’s why: the fact that someone came along and decided Van Gogh’s paintings had artistic value did not define him as creative, it defined him as a significant part of the impressionistic art movement (a movement Frank disparages in his article). No one denied Van Gogh’s creativity before this; he spent his life as an artist, studying and befriending other greats such as Monet and Gauguin. No one had to tell these artists they were creative, they just were.

If you’re a creative person, you understand that it's both a blessing and a curse. We're constantly trying to survive in the world while enduring a nagging inner pull to put the pieces together and make sense of it. Many of us don’t feel complete without expressing ourselves through some form of art, but we struggle to figure out how to fit it into our lives that might not allow hours of time to paint, practice an instrument, write a novel, or perform in a play. We don’t need someone to tell us we’re creative, we just are.

I get the frustration Frank is expressing: “Only rich white billionaires have the convenience of being creative in business and telling us we all should be.” Perhaps as a full-time writer, Frank sees this trend permeating his world much more than I see it in my own. From my perspective, especially in this city full of artists, I see true creative talent as an equalizer: you can't buy it, you just have it. Now of course, the ways you get to express that creativity rely on resources like time and money, but that nagging sensation to make meaning of the world, that’s free. When I talk about coaching creative people or “creativity coaching”, I’m not saying I want to teach you how to be creative: you already know how to do that. Rather, I want to help you figure out how to get that stuff out of you and onto the page, canvas, stage, etc. I want to help you fit it all into your life and your relationships with your friends, partner, or family. Why am I the person for that? Not only because I’ve got all this training as a therapist, but because I've struggled with expressing my creativity in my own life and continue to do so. I understand that being an artist is an ongoing journey and whether you’re a famous rock star or you sketch when the kids go to bed, that journey never ends.