The art of saying no

A lot of my clients say they have trouble saying “no” to others. It makes sense when you're a sensitive, empathic, creative, soul - you want to help any way you can and you want to make people feel good. But never saying “no” is totally energy sucking and sometimes you're doing it for the wrong reasons. 

If you find your days are often filled with a bunch of things you wish you hadn’t agreed to do, leaving you exhausted and filled with resentment, then you may want to think about where you could start saying "no".

How do you figure that out?

Try asking yourself these questions:

1. Does it feel like a burdensome obligation, rather than an enthusiastic yes?

2. Do I feel like I couldn’t possibly say no because of what the other person might think of me or how they might feel, BUT the idea of doing the thing makes me feel overwhelmed, overworked, or under-appreciated?

3. Do I want to say yes just to get someone off my back rather than deal with possible conflict or set a healthy boundary?

4. Do I realistically have enough time in my schedule to do this?

5. Could I say "no" now and "yes" later if i wanted to?

6. Could this person actually manage this on their own or find someone else to help?

7. If I do this, what are my expectations about what I’m going to receive in return? If I get nothing, perhaps not even a “thank you”, am I ok with that?

Sometimes it's difficult to answer these questions. You might not know exactly how you feel or what you really think. If this is you, I want to let you in on a little secret: 

It’s ok to wait.

You have every right to say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” Give yourself time to think it over. Journal about it. Talk to a friend. Then decide how you’ll answer. 

When you do say no, remember this - one of my most favorite quotes my own therapist told me years ago:

"No" is a complete sentence.
It doesn't require an explanation. 

When you're not used to saying no, anxiety will probably rear its ugly head when you try. You might feel the need to over explain your situation or reasoning. But you can say no without making excuses, apologizing, or defending yourself. Any of these simple sentences could work:

• "No."

• "I'd love to, but no."

• "I can't, I'm booked up right now."

• "I don't think it's healthy for me to do that."

• "I feel for you, but I'm not able to help out at the moment."

Some people, especially people who are used to you rescuing them, might get upset when you respond this simply. Most people, however, will accept it and move on. Bonus: You'll probably find that people respect you more when you're discerning with your time and energy, and don't always jump to help everyone out.

Now don't get me wrong, being helpful is good! But neglecting yourself and your needs to the point where you're spent and angry at everyone is not. Take care of yourself and you can take better care of others.

Is your relationship cheat-proof?

Let me answer that for you: No, it isn't. There’s no monogamous relationship that’s 100% guaranteed safe from an affair. Sometimes feelings develop for other people. It's only natural. But it can be a signal that something is missing from your relationship or your life.

So, what do you do if you or your partner gets feelings for someone else? This answer is often the key to whether or not your relationship survives an affair or even a potential affair. We need a sense of safety in a relationship in order to thrive. With that safety comes honesty, trust, and respect. When we have feelings for someone else we immediately have a choice: Tell our partners or don't. What matters is how safe it feels to talk with our partners. 

How would you react if your partner told you they had feelings for someone else? Would you get angry? Would you break up with them? Would you forbid them from leaving the house? Or would you listen and acknowledge their feelings? Would you be honest about your feelings? Would you ask your partner if there's anything you can do to help your relationship? Would you discuss polyamory? Or suggest couples counseling?

There are so many possible outcomes when feelings arise for someone else. What we need to understand, however, is that only we are responsible for our actions. If you've made a clear, monogamous commitment to someone, I encourage you to stop before you act on any romantic feelings for someone else. "One thing led to another," is a lot harder to hear than, "I think I have feelings for someone else and I don't know what to do."

What are your experiences with infidelity?

Have you developed feelings for someone else while in a monogamous relationship? What did you do?

Have you ever been cheated on? Did you work it out? What do you wish your partner would have done?

Leave a comment below and tell me what happened.

It's OK To Change Your Mind

We live in this world of black and white thinking. Left or right, good or bad, right or wrong. No grays allowed. Living in this world can cause a lot of anxiety when it comes to making decisions about things like career, relationships, and artwork. Because in this world, one decision is right and the other is wrong. So, when you make a decision you'd better commit to it! Otherwise someone might say you were wrong. You might have to say you were wrong.

But how is a decision wrong? How do you measure that?

By success or failure? Ask someone, "How do you measure success?" You'll probably get varying answers. They'll differ even more when it comes to relationships. And even more so when it comes to creative work. To some, success is simply completing a song. To others, it's releasing an album that goes double platinum. So how can we measure whether a decision is right or wrong?

What if you held the decision a little more lightly? "This is what I believe, as far as I know, to be the best thing for me right now." No relationship is fool-proof. You will never achieve creative perfection. So when you decide, it doesn't have to be set in stone. You may find at some point that the decision you made didn't turn out like you thought it would or simply no longer suits you.

Maybe you want to ditch oil painting and start making felt anime characters. Maybe you want to quit your punk band and join a barber shop quartet. Go for it! (Or even, GASP, do BOTH!)

Sure, some things are easier to change than others. Getting a different sandwich is easier than getting a divorce. One requires much more careful consideration than the other. But both are equally valid things to change your mind about.

You are not defined by your relationship, your job,
the people you know, or even your art.

You are you and you have the choice and the power to decide what's best for you. And then, you can change your mind.

Considering changing your career, but feeling exhausted, scared, and really struggling to figure out what's next? Check out my coaching program, Permission to Move On.