When to ask for help
As a therapist and coach, one of the many questions I get asked is, "How do you know when it's time to ask for help?" I totally get why people ask this. It can be difficult to figure out when to say "when", especially if you're a high-functioning person like most of my clients are. In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, here are three major signs you could benefit from some outside help:
As a therapist and coach, one of the many questions I get asked is, "How do you know when it's time to ask for help?" I totally get why people ask this. It can be difficult to figure out when to say "when", especially if you're a high-functioning person like most of my clients are. In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, here are three major signs you could benefit from some outside help:
1. When you aren't functioning well
This can mean something different for everyone, but one of the most telltale ways to notice is through your body. When we're not functioning well we can have all sorts of physical symptoms, like sleeping too much or too little, stomach problems, skin problems, racing heart rate, panic attacks, eating too much or too little, aches and pains that seem to come out of nowhere, and other physical issues. Things may look great on the outside - you're killing it at work, you're finishing all your creative projects, and you're spending time with family and friends - but maybe you're rushing to the bathroom several times a day or you're tossing and turning all night with your mind running a million miles a minute. This is a sign you aren't functioning well and might need to seek out some help.
2. When someone close to you says something
You might also ask for help when someone close to you starts noticing you're not functioning well. Maybe you're dropping the ball at work or at home. Maybe you're more irritable or spacey than usual. Maybe you're drinking too much. Loved ones can offer us an outside perspective we might not be seeing. When someone else points this stuff out, it can be difficult to accept, but if it comes from someone you trust, who you know has a good head on their shoulders, I encourage you to give it some serious thought.
3. When you feel stuck
Sometimes we just can't get out of crappy feelings or we can't seem to move forward. A lot of my clients come to me with this type of feeling. They say things like, "I'm anxious all the time and I'm tired of it.", "I'm ready to take my creative work to the next level, but I'm terrible at self-discipline.", or "My partner and I keep having the same fight over and over again." Being stuck is the most common reason people come to therapy or coaching. If you feel like you've been stuck for awhile, it might be time to seek out some help.
Help can come in many forms
It doesn't always have to be structured or professional. It can be a long conversation with a trusted friend or mentor, a request of your partner to listen more, a support or accountability group, or - of course - a therapy or coaching session. If you're looking to find a great therapist, I encourage you to take a look at my handy guide on the subject. It contains links to directories, tips on what to ask during your consultation, and advice for getting the most for your time and money.
No matter who you are, it's ok to ask for help. Your love and care for others - and your creativity - are only enhanced when you take the time to care for yourself.
Is your relationship cheat-proof?
Let me answer that for you: No, it isn't. There’s no monogamous relationship that’s 100% guaranteed safe from an affair. Sometimes feelings develop for other people. It's only natural. But it can be a signal that something is missing from your relationship or your life.
So, what do you do if you or your partner gets feelings for someone else? This answer is often the key to whether or not your relationship survives an affair or even a potential affair.
Let me answer that for you: No, it isn't. There’s no monogamous relationship that’s 100% guaranteed safe from an affair. Sometimes feelings develop for other people. It's only natural. But it can be a signal that something is missing from your relationship or your life.
So, what do you do if you or your partner gets feelings for someone else? This answer is often the key to whether or not your relationship survives an affair or even a potential affair. We need a sense of safety in a relationship in order to thrive. With that safety comes honesty, trust, and respect. When we have feelings for someone else we immediately have a choice: Tell our partners or don't. What matters is how safe it feels to talk with our partners.
How would you react if your partner told you they had feelings for someone else? Would you get angry? Would you break up with them? Would you forbid them from leaving the house? Or would you listen and acknowledge their feelings? Would you be honest about your feelings? Would you ask your partner if there's anything you can do to help your relationship? Would you discuss polyamory? Or suggest couples counseling?
There are so many possible outcomes when feelings arise for someone else. What we need to understand, however, is that only we are responsible for our actions. If you've made a clear, monogamous commitment to someone, I encourage you to stop before you act on any romantic feelings for someone else. "One thing led to another," is a lot harder to hear than, "I think I have feelings for someone else and I don't know what to do."
What are your experiences with infidelity?
Have you developed feelings for someone else while in a monogamous relationship? What did you do?
Have you ever been cheated on? Did you work it out? What do you wish your partner would have done?
Leave a comment below and tell me what happened.
Finding the right therapist for YOU
I get all sorts of questions about therapists and the counseling process from friends and family. I am thrilled about the decreasing social stigma surrounding therapy, whether for the individual, couple, or family.
Then, I see an article like this - Marriage Counselors: 10 Things They Don't Want You to Know. Now, there is good advice in this article, but it is unfortunately buried in the 2nd or 3rd paragraphs of each topic. The reader is purposefully drawn to the title and topics, which are negative and misleading. I worry that articles like this one are discouraging people from seeking therapy in an age when there are so many well-trained counselors, therapists, psychologists, and coaches offering many opportunities for, and different paths to, true personal growth.
I'm not saying that there are no bad counselors out there. There certainly are, because along with a growing market comes a greater discrepancy in legitimacy. Finding a good therapist can be difficult, but it can also significantly help your relationships and/or you as an individual. I'm going to offer some advice through a series of posts, the first being on the subject of the initial search for a good therapist.
I get all sorts of questions about therapists and the counseling process from friends and family. I am thrilled about the decreasing social stigma surrounding therapy, whether for the individual, couple, or family.
Then, I see an article like this - Marriage Counselors: 10 Things They Don't Want You to Know. Now, there is good advice in this article, but it is unfortunately buried in the 2nd or 3rd paragraphs of each topic. The reader is purposefully drawn to the title and topics, which are negative and misleading. I worry that articles like this one are discouraging people from seeking therapy in an age when there are so many well-trained counselors, therapists, psychologists, and coaches offering many opportunities for, and different paths to, true personal growth.
I'm not saying that there are no bad counselors out there. There certainly are, because along with a growing market comes a greater discrepancy in legitimacy. Finding a good therapist can be difficult, but it can also significantly help your relationships and/or you as an individual. I'm going to offer some advice through a series of posts, the first being on the subject of the initial search for a good therapist.
Where do I look? First, I suggest asking people you know who to contact (or who to avoid). There's no better reference than a first hand account from someone you trust. Ask your family, friends, preacher, teachers, or doctors. I got lucky the first time I went to therapy - I asked my doctor if she knew of anyone and she recommended a fabulous therapist who was a near perfect fit for me. But many counseling stories aren't all that rosy. I know people who have had lukewarm to terrible experiences with therapists, but we'll get to more of that in a later post.
If your contacts are coming up dry or if you're simply too embarrassed to ask about counseling from people you know, there are many places you can find therapists online. Here are just a few:
Therapytribe.com
For low-cost counseling based on income:
OpenPathCollective.org
You can also look on your insurance company's website for approved therapists, or look through a professional counseling association's site, like the therapist finder at AAMFT.org (American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy) or the psychologist locator at apa.org (American Psychological Association).
Once you think you've found someone, look for licensing or certifications. An LMFT, LGMFT, or LCMFT is a licensed (or about to be licensed) couple and family therapist, LCSW means a licensed social worker, and an LPC is a licensed professional counselor. We all know what M.D. or PhD means, but some might not be familiar with the PsyD moniker, which indicates a "doctorate of psychology." Licensed counselors and therapists have usually all attended graduate school and done a considerable amount of hours (usually around 2000) in order to achieve their status. In addition, most states require that licensed therapists obtain a certain amount of continuing education credits each year. This is to, hopefully, ensure that we counselors are up to date on the most recent research and training in our chosen field (a little secret: most of us do a ton of research and reading on our own because we're really interested in our jobs.)
Look to see if your potential therapist is a member of one or more national or international associations, such as the aforementioned AAMFT, APA, IAMFC (International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors), ACA (American Counseling Association), or AMHCA (American Mental Health Counselors Association). These organizations, of which there are many more, each have their own code of ethics their members must abide by in order to remain in good standing. If you believe your therapist is not behaving ethically, you can report to his or her association and/or to the state licensing board.
If you are seeing a life coach, which I highly recommend if you are looking for someone to help you move forward in your future life or career goals, try to find one that is board certified or has training in a human services field, such as counseling. Being a board certified coach means the person has gone through some training, which is especially valuable since anyone can legally wake up one day and say "I'm a life coach." A note about coaching: your coach should not give you therapy. Even when the coach is also a therapist, coaching and counseling should be kept separate. So, if you're working with a coach and find yourself stuck or wanting more emotionally focused work (ie. you want to work on feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression, or issues in your relationship), ask yourself if perhaps therapy is a better, or an additional, option for you.
Again, finding a good therapist is not always easy. I know this seems like a lot to consider. But take this into account: you (or your insurance company) are probably going to spend a lot of money on therapy. Think of it as a worthy investment. You don't buy an expensive television, computer, musical instrument, or appliance without doing a little bit of research, right? So why wouldn't you take the time to find a good therapist? My best advice: don't give up. Even if you go through a few counselors that just aren't right for you or who are just plain terrible, remember that you and your life are worth it.
Next week: What to expect and what to ask when you've found your therapist.