The art of saying no

A lot of my clients say they have trouble saying “no” to others. It makes sense when you're a sensitive, empathic, creative, soul - you want to help any way you can and you want to make people feel good. But never saying “no” is totally energy sucking and sometimes you're doing it for the wrong reasons. 

If you find your days are often filled with a bunch of things you wish you hadn’t agreed to do, leaving you exhausted and filled with resentment, then you may want to think about where you could start saying "no".

How do you figure that out?

Try asking yourself these questions:

1. Does it feel like a burdensome obligation, rather than an enthusiastic yes?

2. Do I feel like I couldn’t possibly say no because of what the other person might think of me or how they might feel, BUT the idea of doing the thing makes me feel overwhelmed, overworked, or under-appreciated?

3. Do I want to say yes just to get someone off my back rather than deal with possible conflict or set a healthy boundary?

4. Do I realistically have enough time in my schedule to do this?

5. Could I say "no" now and "yes" later if i wanted to?

6. Could this person actually manage this on their own or find someone else to help?

7. If I do this, what are my expectations about what I’m going to receive in return? If I get nothing, perhaps not even a “thank you”, am I ok with that?

Sometimes it's difficult to answer these questions. You might not know exactly how you feel or what you really think. If this is you, I want to let you in on a little secret: 

It’s ok to wait.

You have every right to say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” Give yourself time to think it over. Journal about it. Talk to a friend. Then decide how you’ll answer. 

When you do say no, remember this - one of my most favorite quotes my own therapist told me years ago:

"No" is a complete sentence.
It doesn't require an explanation. 

When you're not used to saying no, anxiety will probably rear its ugly head when you try. You might feel the need to over explain your situation or reasoning. But you can say no without making excuses, apologizing, or defending yourself. Any of these simple sentences could work:

• "No."

• "I'd love to, but no."

• "I can't, I'm booked up right now."

• "I don't think it's healthy for me to do that."

• "I feel for you, but I'm not able to help out at the moment."

Some people, especially people who are used to you rescuing them, might get upset when you respond this simply. Most people, however, will accept it and move on. Bonus: You'll probably find that people respect you more when you're discerning with your time and energy, and don't always jump to help everyone out.

Now don't get me wrong, being helpful is good! But neglecting yourself and your needs to the point where you're spent and angry at everyone is not. Take care of yourself and you can take better care of others.

When to ask for help

As a therapist and coach, one of the many questions I get asked is, "How do you know when it's time to ask for help?" I totally get why people ask this. It can be difficult to figure out when to say "when", especially if you're a high-functioning person like most of my clients are. In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, here are three major signs you could benefit from some outside help:

1. When you aren't functioning well

This can mean something different for everyone, but one of the most telltale ways to notice is through your body. When we're not functioning well we can have all sorts of physical symptoms, like sleeping too much or too little, stomach problems, skin problems, racing heart rate, panic attacks, eating too much or too little, aches and pains that seem to come out of nowhere, and other physical issues. Things may look great on the outside - you're killing it at work, you're finishing all your creative projects, and you're spending time with family and friends - but maybe you're rushing to the bathroom several times a day or you're tossing and turning all night with your mind running a million miles a minute. This is a sign you aren't functioning well and might need to seek out some help.

2. When someone close to you says something

You might also ask for help when someone close to you starts noticing you're not functioning well. Maybe you're dropping the ball at work or at home. Maybe you're more irritable or spacey than usual. Maybe you're drinking too much. Loved ones can offer us an outside perspective we might not be seeing. When someone else points this stuff out, it can be difficult to accept, but if it comes from someone you trust, who you know has a good head on their shoulders, I encourage you to give it some serious thought.

3. When you feel stuck

Sometimes we just can't get out of crappy feelings or we can't seem to move forward. A lot of my clients come to me with this type of feeling. They say things like, "I'm anxious all the time and I'm tired of it.", "I'm ready to take my creative work to the next level, but I'm terrible at self-discipline.", or "My partner and I keep having the same fight over and over again." Being stuck is the most common reason people come to therapy or coaching. If you feel like you've been stuck for awhile, it might be time to seek out some help.

Help can come in many forms

It doesn't always have to be structured or professional. It can be a long conversation with a trusted friend or mentor, a request of your partner to listen more, a support or accountability group, or - of course - a therapy or coaching session. If you're looking to find a great therapist, I encourage you to take a look at my handy guide on the subject. It contains links to directories, tips on what to ask during your consultation, and advice for getting the most for your time and money.

No matter who you are, it's ok to ask for help. Your love and care for others - and your creativity - are only enhanced when you take the time to care for yourself. 

It's OK To Change Your Mind

We live in this world of black and white thinking. Left or right, good or bad, right or wrong. No grays allowed. Living in this world can cause a lot of anxiety when it comes to making decisions about things like career, relationships, and artwork. Because in this world, one decision is right and the other is wrong. So, when you make a decision you'd better commit to it! Otherwise someone might say you were wrong. You might have to say you were wrong.

But how is a decision wrong? How do you measure that?

By success or failure? Ask someone, "How do you measure success?" You'll probably get varying answers. They'll differ even more when it comes to relationships. And even more so when it comes to creative work. To some, success is simply completing a song. To others, it's releasing an album that goes double platinum. So how can we measure whether a decision is right or wrong?

What if you held the decision a little more lightly? "This is what I believe, as far as I know, to be the best thing for me right now." No relationship is fool-proof. You will never achieve creative perfection. So when you decide, it doesn't have to be set in stone. You may find at some point that the decision you made didn't turn out like you thought it would or simply no longer suits you.

Maybe you want to ditch oil painting and start making felt anime characters. Maybe you want to quit your punk band and join a barber shop quartet. Go for it! (Or even, GASP, do BOTH!)

Sure, some things are easier to change than others. Getting a different sandwich is easier than getting a divorce. One requires much more careful consideration than the other. But both are equally valid things to change your mind about.

You are not defined by your relationship, your job,
the people you know, or even your art.

You are you and you have the choice and the power to decide what's best for you. And then, you can change your mind.

Considering changing your career, but feeling exhausted, scared, and really struggling to figure out what's next? Check out my coaching program, Permission to Move On.

5 WAYS TO STOP CARING WHAT PEOPLE THINK

I talk to myself. All the time. If you see me walking down the street alone, you'll probably see me talking to myself. It's how I plan and process ideas. If it stays in my head and doesn't come out of my mouth, it's not tangible to me. It's just the way I work.

I know I look crazy, but it's not really something I can stop doing.

I also run into things and fall. All the time. I've had many a friend laugh at my stumbles over the years. I've actually got great balance, just no spatial awareness. The other day, I twisted my ankle walking down unfamiliar steps because I was reading my email. I fell, cursed, checked my ankle (it was fine), and then looked around immediately to see if anyone saw me. No signs of life. Hooray! Just then a security guard walked up and said, "Are you ok, Ma'am?" I laughed and said, "Oh, I'm just learning the lesson: Don't look at your phone while walking down stairs." He laughed, too and we went our separate ways.

Now, I could walk around for the rest of the day thinking about this incident. I could be mortified and beat myself up about how dumb it was, how much of an idiot I am, and how I should pay better attention, damnit! Or I can learn the lesson, laugh at myself, acknowledge that I'm a human being who makes mistakes (that security guard is human, too, by the way), and move on with my life. I choose the latter.

Because it's a choice.

But the choice isn't, "Care or don't care about what other people think." The choice is really, "Love and trust myself or don't."

I know I'm not crazy. I know I'm not an idiot. So why would I care if someone else thinks I am because of some momentary interaction?

Is this choice always easy? HELL NO. It takes a lot of time and practice. This is especially true if you've spent most of your life valuing external opinions and devaluing your own, relentlessly chiding yourself when you make a mistake, are in a bad mood, or fail at something. In the therapeutic world, we call this "negative self-talk" and in my opinion it's one of the best places to begin when you want to stop caring so much about what others think.

So, how do you get rid of negative self-talk? I've got some suggestions...

1. Look at the actual evidence

Are you really an idiot who can't get anything done? Or are you a person who screws something up every once in awhile? When we've done something wrong, get embarrassed, or someone criticizes us we often feel shame. Not guilt, but shame. As the researcher Brené Brown has noted, guilt tells us "I've done something bad", while shame says, "I am bad." Big difference there. That voice saying, "You're stupid! What were you thinking! They're all gonna laugh at you!" is shame. Give shame a reality check. Are you really dumb? Nope. Are they really all gonna laugh you? Nah. (Unless you're a comedian and you want them to. But even then, not everyone is gonna laugh. Sorry.) When you look at the evidence, you'll probably find that much of it is contrary to that nasty negative self-talk. If you have trouble finding that better evidence, keep digging. It's there. I know it.

2. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend

I say this one all the time, but it bears repeating. If you really can't seem to talk to yourself in a helpful, loving way then think about how you would talk to a friend who was in your situation. Would you say hateful, mean things to your friend, calling them stupid over and over again and dwelling on their mistakes? Or would you try to comfort them, contradict their shame, and offer to help out? My guess is you'd choose the second option (if you'd do the first, I doubt you'd be reading this blog). So why do you deserve any different? Because you know better? Because you just should be perfect all the time? Nonsense. Why should you be perfect when everyone else gets to make mistakes? Talk to yourself in that same comforting, reasonable voice you talk to your friends with. You might not believe it at first. It'll probably feel weird. Do it anyway. Just try it a few times and see what happens.

3. Forgive yourself

YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING. I'm sorry, but you're not a robot. Not yet... You are imperfect and you always will be. None of us are perfect. What even is a perfect person, anyway? If you think about it, the opinions on perfection vary pretty widely. So how can you possibly live up to anyone's expectations? Be you and when you screw up, and you will, forgive yourself. Sometimes that even means forgiving yourself for talking to yourself badly.

My father died in May after a long battle with Alzheimer's. This last year, I was just not myself a lot of the time. It was hard to function normally. I made some mistakes in that time and I've worked hard on forgiving myself for them. Recently my energy healer (yes, I've got one of those) said, "You might need to forgive yourself for judging yourself." That was hard to wrap my head around. But really, it's about forgiving myself for that negative self-talk. Because sometimes when we catch ourselves talking to ourselves badly, we can then get down on ourselves for getting down on ourselves! Isn't that ridiculous? Just writing that sentence feels ridiculous. So, when you hear that negative self-talk, shut it down and try not to judge yourself for judging yourself. Forgive yourself. It's ok. You're human.

4. Find the lessons

Talking nice to yourself doesn't mean you get to get away with not learning anything. Life is trial and error. When you make a mistake, think about how the mistake was made, and then decide whether you want to make it again. Error is useful, but you get no use out of focusing on the error and freaking out about it. Stop, look at what happened, learn the lesson, and try again. I like to think of my computer engineer brother who essentially figures out how errors occur for a living. Understanding how something happened is useful, but you can't learn if you're stuck in a shame sprial. Like I said when I fell down those stairs, "Whelp, that's why you don't walk and stare at your phone at the same time." It's a lesson - a funny one - and that's all it has to be.

5. Remember: No one really cares what you do

It's a paradox: People are watching and they aren't. Most people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they really aren't paying much attention to what you're doing. But when they do notice and say something, it's helpful to trust and love yourself, so it's easier to brush it off. Because...

When you're more centered within yourself, you're less likely to get thrown around by the opinions and actions of others.

Now I want to hear from YOU! How does negative self-talk affect your opinion of yourself? What helps you let go of how others think of you? How can you apply these steps to your creative work? Leave a comment or question and I'll be so happy to answer.