Gratitude without guilt

I have an amazing mother. She is one of the most giving people I know. She's the kind of woman that remembers everyone's birthday (even like, the granddaughter of a co-worker's birthday) and makes sure to send something every single year. She's always given to charity, even when she didn't have all that much. Whenever I see her, she gives me something. She takes me out to lunch, she takes me shopping, or she just hands me some money. I'm her baby and she loves taking care of me. I know that if I'm ever in need, I can turn to her for help. She is the best and I am eternally grateful to her.

But man, do I feel guilty sometimes! I think, "I'm 35, I don't need my mom buying me clothes. I should be buying HER nice things!" When I've actually had to ask her for money, the guilt train really comes barreling in. I feel like I piece of shit when I have to ask for her help and there's no reason for it! She's never made me feel guilty for needing help. Like I said, she's happy to give and the truth is, she's better off than me. I've got graduate school bills to pay and a fledgling business to maintain. A free lunch here, a few bucks there, it's really nice - not to mention the time I get to spend with my awesome mom.

I always thought guilt and gratitude were inseparable. There's a voice in my head that says, "It's ok to accept this, but you'd better feel bad about it." Maybe because it's considered polite to say, "Oh thank you, but you really shouldn't have." Maybe because some people make you feel like you owe them once they give you something. Maybe because I think I don't really deserve it.

Here's the thing: Feeling like you owe someone kills gratitude. Seriously, there are studies on it. The more you feel like you owe someone - and the more they remind you of it - the less likely you are to feel thankful for the help. By now, you've probably heard about all the great mental, emotional, and even physical benefits of a consistent gratitude practice. But what about separating feelings of guilt and indebtedness from that practice? Imagine how much better you would feel if you could just simply be thankful for the gifts, love, care, and luck you receive, and not experience guilt about how much people have given you or about how little others have in comparison.

So how do we do it? Here are a few things to try:

1. Simply say, "Thank you." There's no need to hem and haw and say, "Oh, no, I can't." or "You shouldn't have!" or "I'll get you back, later." Think of how annoying it is when you genuinely give something to someone and they respond like that.

2. Try this mantra on for size, "I am worthy." Remember what you've done for the person or for other people, or imagine what you WOULD do if you could.

3. Give when you can. Pay it forward, right? I find it helps to balance the flow of giving and receiving.

4. Along these same lines, when someone says "Thank you", try simply responding with "You're welcome" instead of "No problem!" or "No worries!" What you did has value or the person wouldn't be thanking you. Take that on. It's ok to feel good about giving!

Now, I find that these things work for me when I'm feeling guilty about getting. Try them on and see what works for you.

I'd love to hear what you think or hear your ideas about how to separate guilt from gratitude. Leave me a comment to share!

Is that how you REALLY feel?

When it comes to couples, a lot of people talk about "communication". Often we hear "A good relationship is all about communication" from advice givers or "We just didn't communicate" from recently broken hearts. Here's the thing: it's not that you communicate - because we all do, even when we're not speaking - it's how you communicate.

In love relationships, communication gets complicated. Because we've fallen intimately in love with someone, and they with us, we often expect them to know exactly what we need at all times. Why is it that we expect so much? I'm not completely sure why. Much of it has to do with attachment style, which dictates how we interact with others, but the rest seems to defy logic. Many times, we ask our partners to be superhumans - to behave in ways that are only agreeable to us and our wants and needs. If they don't, we get angry or upset and many times our partners have no idea why. Then they react, usually by either fighting back, going silent, or defending themselves in some other way. That's an all-too-familiar pattern that often brings couples to therapy.

Let's look at it a little closer with an example. I'll use wife and husband here to avoid confusion, but this could be any iteration of a love relationship: wife and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, husband and husband, etc.

A husband is patiently waiting for his wife to get home from work. He knows she gets home around 5:30. She has had a particularly stressful week, so he decides to make her a surprise dinner which will be ready right when she gets home. 5:30 rolls around... no wife. 5:45, he calls her cell and she doesn't answer. 6:00 and now he's really worried, pacing the floor, wondering if she got into an accident or worse. He calls several times and goes through all the horrible scenarios in his head, getting very anxious and concerned. At 6:30, his wife walks in the door looking perfectly fine. Before she can speak, her husband goes off, yelling about how inconsiderate she is, how the dinner is ruined, and how much she clearly does not care about him or his time. Instead of telling her husband about the long promotion conversation she had with her boss in the lobby and how her cell phone was dead, the wife says something like "You're being ridiculous! How was I supposed to know? You NEVER cook. I'm sure it was awful, anyway." and storms upstairs to the bedroom. Both partners are now pissed at each other over what is essentially "being late for dinner".

So, are these people communicating? They sure are, but they're communicating what Sue Johnson, one of the founders of emotionally focused therapy calls "secondary emotions".  These are the defensive emotions that come out of what is expected from your partner, but not the ones that started the process in the first place. In our example, the husband was scared about what could have happened to his wife and then hurt that she was fine, but did not tell him she would be late. The wife was then hurt that she was yelled at and accused of not loving her husband as soon as she walked in the door. She was probably also quite disappointed that she could not share her exciting news with her husband.  If this couple had communicated their primary emotions, they might have avoided an argument or could have at least had a more productive one. If the husband said something like "I'm so relieved to see you! I was so worried. Why didn't you call?" The wife likely would likely have immediately apologized and then shared her story.

I'm willing to bet this sounds familiar to you. I've done it and still do, although I tend to catch myself a lot more often nowadays. It's a hard cycle to break and we're human: sometimes we just go off without thinking about it. Here's a tip on how to become a bit more self-aware: when you're angry or upset with your partner, think about the situation - the interactional cycle - that caused you to feel this way. Are you hurt by something she said? Are you afraid he will leave you because of something he did? Do you feel lonely or unwanted? If so, try communicating that emotion instead of yelling, crying, or shutting your partner out. Or try to consider the situation for a moment: are you expecting your partner to read your mind? For example, are you upset because she is behaving in a way that she should know would hurt your feelings, even though she's trying to do something good? As I've said before, S L O W  D O W N, think before you react, and ask for what you REALLY need. State how you REALLY feel, before all those fight or flight mechanisms stepped in. If that's too much for you, take a step back, check the defensiveness rising in you, and see how you might soften your reaction. You may even determine that the anger is completely unnecessary and happily go on with your day! (Seriously, it's happened to me before). Now, this is not to say that anger or sadness are inappropriate emotions, but you'll be surprised at how productive a conversation can be when it starts out with a certain softness, with a statement of personal need or desire, instead of blaming, nagging, or walking away.

Five ways to get your money's worth from your therapist

I know, therapy is expensive. Like I said: it's helpful to think of it as an investment. You're investing in your self or your relationship or your family. You're giving your life a tune-up. It all costs money. You're putting yourself in the hands of a professional in order to do so. Someone who has been educated and trained for, at the very least, 5 years if he or she is licensed. This person should know their stuff and that can be intimidating. BUT, it doesn't mean your therapist should be telling you what to do and it doesn't mean you can't trust your gut. In fact, your counselor should be encouraging you to trust and depend upon yourself. Here's a short  list of advice on getting your money's worth from therapy:

1. Ask questions, debate points, and give feedback Ask for what you need. If you don't understand something your therapist says, ask. If you disagree with something she says, say so. This doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to her, but when something feels inherently wrong, just way off from who you are, SAY SOMETHING. It doesn't help you at all to stay mute on the subjects that really rile you up. Again, your therapist is not your friend; she is providing you with a service. Having said that, however you must understand that you also have to...

2. Do your homework Many therapists gives little assignments to their clients. You might be asked to journal something or to complete a questionnaire online or to notice a behavior or thought process during the week. Try your best to do these assignments. They are given to you for a reason and completing them shows your therapist how committed you are to working on yourself or your relationship. If you don't complete your homework, let your therapist know why. Perhaps something needs to be changed about it or perhaps it's telling you something about yourself or your counselor.

3. Listen Listen to what your therapist has to say, the questions he asks, and the insights he might have. He may have some very valuable points to make or inquires. However, your counselor should not be doing most of the talking. If this is the case, speak up. You're there to talk about your life, not listen to your therapist drone on because...

4. You're the expert I know this sounds strange, but you are the expert on your own life and relationships. A good therapist should never act as if she knows what's best for you. A good therapist does not give advice. I repeat:A good therapist does not give advice. A good therapist asks good questions, gives good insight and good suggestions. The point of therapy is to give you (or you and your partner or you and your family) the ability to make the right decisions for yourself, not to make you dependent on your therapist.

5. Work through the discomfort Part of any therapy, whether it be individual, couple, or family, is building self-awareness. With this comes the uncomfortableness of dealing with emotions you'd just rather not feel. Things like sadness, anger, guilt, and hurt. Things that make you feel vulnerable. I can say this from my own experience with therapy: Lean into the discomfort. Because when you come out the other side you've learned more about yourself, more about how you affect others, more about what works for you and what doesn't, and more about the joy you can have. Be gentle with yourself, though. Handle what you can at the times you can. Take it slowly.

I know we hear this all the time, but it is a worthy adage: Take risks. It's the best thing you can do for your brain and for your heart. You've taken the risk to go seek help, now take the risk to make the most of it.

Congratulations, you've found your therapist! Now what?

It's the 1st session. You're nervous, asking yourself questions like "What will she be like? Will he think we're crazy? What have I gotten myself into?" If you've never been to a therapist before, it's like walking into a small room with a stranger who has agreed to take your money to provide you with a product you know little about. It can be weird and feel awkward. You're taking a big risk entrusting someone else with your problems, with your life. And kudos to you for your courage! I want to try to make it all a little less daunting, so here's a brief guide of what to expect when you walk into a therapist's office for the first time:

When you get there, you will be greeted with the usual pleasantries and a bit of small talk, but eventually you'll have to get serious. Your therapist will soon ask "what brings you here today?" You may have talked about it on the phone prior to your appointment, but some version of this question will be posed to bring the focus to exactly why you're paying to be there. Attempt to be as honest as you comfortably can be. It's natural to feel strange about telling someone you've never met your most hurtful problems. You don't have to say everything, just try to be truthful. This can be extremely difficult when you've come to therapy with a spouse and it's the therapist's responsibility to help you feel as safe as possible in his or her space. This is YOUR time. Use it wisely.

When you come to therapy for the first time, at some point in the session you will be asked to sign confidentiality agreements and other documents. Your therapist should verbally describe the important points of the documents to you. If you do not understand certain parts of the document, be sure to ask. Again, this is for you, not the therapist. Good questions to ask include:

• Does anyone else have access to your files?
• What do I do in an emergency?
• Who will take over for you when you go on vacation or if something were to happen to you?
• Will I/we have a diagnosis?
• Can I/we give feedback?
• What theories do you use? - I, for example, am quite interested in emotionally-focused therapy. Common approaches are cognitive-behavioral, solution-focused, and systems theory (for couples or families).
• What sort of education or experience do you have with my/our specific problem(s)?

The therapist may also administer certain assessments or tests, depending on what your complaint is.

If you're going with your spouse or partner, it is also important to ask who the client is. Is it the person who called or is it the couple as a whole? You might also want to ask about confidentiality if you have individual sessions. Will the therapist keep secrets or is everything out the open, no matter what? My advice here, don't put your therapist in the position of keeping secrets from your spouse. You're in therapy - be honest. This is probably the one place in your life where you won't be judged for what you do, within reason.

NOTE: a therapist MUST report to the authorities if a person presents a reasonable threat to him/herself or others or if child or elder abuse is evident. There is also no statute of limitations on sexual abuse, so a therapist must report a living offender even if the abuse occurred many years ago. This should be discussed in your first session, as well. The therapist does not have a duty to report domestic abuse and may or may not be willing to work with abusive couples. This should be established before you get to your first session, though.

A really good therapist will have you feeling safe and heard within the first one to two sessions. If after the second session, you are not feeling this way, speak up! I hear stories all the time about people sticking with a therapist who they feel "did me no good" for long periods of time or who "liked my partner better than me". My first response is always: "Did you say anything?" or "Why did you keep going??" Again, it's weird - you're telling this person so much about your life. It's SO personal. Keep this in mind, though: your therapist is not your friend. You are paying this person to provide you with a service. You have the right to complain or seek help elsewhere (you can even ask your therapist for a referral) if you don't feel like your needs are being met. Do this, and you will get the most you can out of the therapeutic process.

Have any other great advice for therapy newbies? Let it loose in the comments section!

Next week: More on getting your money's worth in therapy

Finding the right therapist for YOU

I get all sorts of questions about therapists and the counseling process from friends and family. I am thrilled about the decreasing social stigma surrounding therapy, whether for the individual, couple, or family.

Then, I see an article like this - Marriage Counselors: 10 Things They Don't Want You to Know. Now, there is good advice in this article, but it is unfortunately buried in the 2nd or 3rd paragraphs of each topic. The reader is purposefully drawn to the title and topics, which are negative and misleading. I worry that articles like this one are discouraging people from seeking therapy in an age when there are so many well-trained counselors, therapists, psychologists, and coaches offering many opportunities for, and different paths to, true personal growth.

I'm not saying that there are no bad counselors out there. There certainly are, because along with a growing market comes a greater discrepancy in legitimacy. Finding a good therapist can be difficult, but it can also significantly help your relationships and/or you as an individual. I'm going to offer some advice through a series of posts, the first being on the subject of the initial search for a good therapist.

Where do I look? First, I suggest asking people you know who to contact (or who to avoid). There's no better reference than a first hand account from someone you trust. Ask your family, friends, preacher, teachers, or doctors. I got lucky the first time I went to therapy - I asked my doctor if she knew of anyone and she recommended a fabulous therapist who was a near perfect fit for me. But many counseling stories aren't all that rosy. I know people who have had lukewarm to terrible experiences with therapists, but we'll get to more of that in a later post.

If your contacts are coming up dry or if you're simply too embarrassed to ask about counseling from people you know, there are many places you can find therapists online. Here are just a few:

Psychology Today

Goodtherapy.org

Theravive.com

Therapytribe.com

For low-cost counseling based on income: 
OpenPathCollective.org

Probonocounseling.org

You can also look on your insurance company's website for approved therapists, or look through a professional counseling association's site, like the therapist finder at AAMFT.org (American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy) or the psychologist locator at apa.org (American Psychological Association).

Once you think you've found someone, look for licensing or certifications. An LMFT, LGMFT, or LCMFT is a licensed (or about to be licensed) couple and family therapist, LCSW means a licensed social worker, and an LPC is a licensed professional counselor. We all know what M.D. or PhD means, but some might not be familiar with the PsyD moniker, which indicates a "doctorate of psychology." Licensed counselors and therapists have usually all attended graduate school and done a considerable amount of hours (usually around 2000) in order to achieve their status. In addition, most states require that licensed therapists obtain a certain amount of continuing education credits each year. This is to, hopefully, ensure that we counselors are up to date on the most recent research and training in our chosen field (a little secret: most of us do a ton of research and reading on our own because we're really interested in our jobs.)

Look to see if your potential therapist is a member of one or more national or international associations, such as the aforementioned AAMFT, APA, IAMFC (International Association of Marriage and Family Counselors), ACA (American Counseling Association), or AMHCA (American Mental Health Counselors Association). These organizations, of which there are many more, each have their own code of ethics their members must abide by in order to remain in good standing. If you believe your therapist is not behaving ethically, you can report to his or her association and/or to the state licensing board.

If you are seeing a life coach, which I highly recommend if you are looking for someone to help you move forward in your future life or career goals, try to find one that is board certified or has training in a human services field, such as counseling. Being a board certified coach means the person has gone through some training, which is especially valuable since anyone can legally wake up one day and say "I'm a life coach." A note about coaching: your coach should not give you therapy. Even when the coach is also a therapist, coaching and counseling should be kept separate. So, if you're working with a coach and find yourself stuck or wanting more emotionally focused work (ie. you want to work on feelings of anger, anxiety, or depression, or issues in your relationship), ask yourself if perhaps therapy is a better, or an additional, option for you.

Again, finding a good therapist is not always easy. I know this seems like a lot to consider. But take this into account: you (or your insurance company) are probably going to spend a lot of money on therapy. Think of it as a worthy investment. You don't buy an expensive television, computer, musical instrument, or appliance without doing a little bit of research, right? So why wouldn't you take the time to find a good therapist? My best advice: don't give up. Even if you go through a few counselors that just aren't right for you or who are just plain terrible, remember that you and your life are worth it.

Next week: What to expect and what to ask when you've found your therapist.