What’s your armor?
She’s so cool. Nothing ever phases her.
He’ll never commit.
They know it all.
She lets everyone walk all over her.
He’s so angry all the time.
They’re so stubborn.
Ever say these things about someone you know? Ever have them said about you?
Each and every one of these so-called "personality traits" are actually well-constructed defenses. They're protection against difficult feelings - what Brené Brown refers to as "vulnerability armor".
She’s so cool. Nothing ever phases her.
He’ll never commit.
They know it all.
She lets everyone walk all over her.
He’s so angry all the time.
They’re so stubborn.
Ever say these things about someone you know? Ever have them said about you?
Each and every one of these so-called "personality traits" are actually well-constructed defenses. They're protection against difficult feelings - what Brené Brown refers to as "vulnerability armor". This armor allows us not to deal with the emotions and thoughts that we're most afraid or ashamed of.
The armor makes sense. We needed the protection at some point, usually when we were young. It helped us cope with things we couldn't deal with otherwise.
But vulnerability armor cuts out authentic connection. We close our true selves off from those we love, never really being seen. Eventually, we get tired of this lack of connection, but feel like we're stuck because taking off the armor feels strange and scary. Anxiety, sadness, and self-doubt usually follow and we get confused as to why we can't just feel free to be ourselves. We know we should, but we can't.
There are steps to taking off armor. You can't just shuck it off in one fell swoop. You need to carefully remove each piece to help rewire your brain. Here's a guide to removing the pieces:
Identify what your armor is.
It might take a little while to see it. A good way to recognize it is to look at the interactions that really make you angry, afraid, hurt, or embarrassed. If you have trouble identifying those feelings, try going for what happens in your body. What past conversations or events make your heart race, face flush, or your stomach churn?Identify what your armor is for and where it came from.
Does it protect you from taking risks? From feeling powerless or out of control? From feeling hurt? When did you need that? Who was unsafe or told you it wasn't ok to feel your true feelings? Get curious - become an observer of yourself - and journal about it.Identify the benefits of taking off your armor.
What are all the good things that could happen when you take the risk to be more open with others? Who do you want to feel more connected to? How might you feel different? For example, you could feel more connected, more joyful, more free, and less lonely.Try taking it off - but not with everyone.
You have to do this carefully. If you take it off with just anyone your efforts will likely backfire and you'll end up wanting even more protection. Look for the people in your life that you think might react the best to you being vulnerable. That means sharing your true feelings and self with someone. It could look like any of these things:
- Being your dorky, silly self
- Telling someone you love them
- Crying in front of someone
- Asking for help or advice
- Setting a healthy boundary
Taking these steps will not always be easy. They will come with difficult feelings that may be hard to manage. Breathe. Be gentle with yourself. This is tough stuff. It will take time, lots of practice, and lots of courage. You'll go back and forth. It's ok. You can do it.
We all have vulnerability armor. What's yours?
Your city needs your art
Something incredible happened in Baltimore last week. In the face of injustice, the city came together like never before. We knew about the disparities - the "two Baltimores." We acknowledged it, sometimes. We discussed it, sometimes. Some of us volunteer or work for organizations year round that support the betterment of all. Some of us live it every day.
But when we all watched as people fought back en masse against the tyranny, when we saw how much pain our fellow citizens were in and how the rest of the nation was once again poised to shake its head and look down upon Baltimore, we took to the streets. Some helped clean up; some marched in solidarity; some stepped up to volunteer in staggering numbers.
I've had discussions with many of my creative friends and clients in the past few days. I've read lots of posts and watched video blogs from others artists in the community. Many have done some incredibly powerful artwork already: photography, illustrations, poetry. Even Prince was inspired to record a song.
Others seem to struggle with the question - "How can we, as artists, help?" I've heard a common feeling of uselessness - stuck with the empathy that naturally comes with being a creative person, and the self-doubt that seems to plague many of us.
Something incredible happened in Baltimore last week. In the face of injustice, the city came together like never before. We knew about the disparities - the "two Baltimores." We acknowledged it, sometimes. We discussed it, sometimes. Some of us volunteer or work for organizations year round that support the betterment of all. Some of us live it every day.
But when we all watched as people fought back en masse against the tyranny, when we saw how much pain our fellow citizens were in and how the rest of the nation was once again poised to shake its head and look down upon Baltimore, we took to the streets. Some helped clean up; some marched in solidarity; some stepped up to volunteer in staggering numbers.
I've had discussions with many of my creative friends and clients in the past few days. I've read lots of posts and watched video blogs from others artists in the community. Many have done some incredibly powerful artwork already: photography, illustrations, poetry. Even Prince was inspired to record a song.
Others seem to struggle with the question - "How can we, as artists, help?" I've heard a common feeling of uselessness - stuck with the empathy that naturally comes with being a creative person, and the self-doubt that seems to plague many of us.
When I wrote to Alix Tobey Southwick about using her image for this post, she agreed with the sentiment: "Stuck and useless describes how I felt when I started the piece, then my muscle memory took over the pencil in my hand and drew the sketch for the painting. I was so afraid of creating some jingoistic piece of crap. I was so relieved that it was received with such enthusiasm."
Now she is auctioning her painting off at the We Love Baltimore Art Exhibition at the Metro Gallery this month. Not only does her work have meaning, evoking feelings of social justice and the nostalgia of Mr. Rogers, but it will also directly go to help the cause, with all proceeds going to the Baltimore Community Foundation's Rebuilding Fund.
So, if you're sitting around thinking, "I should just drop this art nonsense and go do something 'useful'," ask yourself, "What impact can I make with my art?" Perhaps you can write a short story involving a metaphor for inequality; create a performance piece about the pain of injustice; go out and take photos of the "two Baltimores"; compose a song evoking the anger of the oppressed.
Of course, if you feel called to volunteer, make a career shift, or finally open up that huge non-profit arts organization, by all means go do it! But please, I'm begging you, don't drop your art. We need your voice. Your unique perspective has the power to create lasting change.
You can bid on Baltimore artist Alix Tobey Southwick's piece and many others at:
We Love Baltimore Art Exhibition and Silent auctionMetro Gallery 1700 N Charles Street Baltimore, MD 21201 Tuesday May 12, 7pm to 11pm, opening and silent auction Proceeds going to Baltimore Community Foundation's Rebuilding Fund
Alix also has an upcoming show:
FABRICATION new paintings by Alix Tobey Southwick Opening reception June 11, 6pm to 9pmOn view for the month of June at Captain Larry's , 601 E. Fort Ave. Baltimore , MD 21230 Captain Larry's has wonderful food and is family friendly.
You can contact Alix at lx2bso@gmail.com