Posts tagged baltimore relationship coach
Why is growth so difficult? How to get through change, even when it's good.

As the year ends, many of us look back with mixed emotions. Regardless of whether you judge your time as "good" or "bad", the fact remains that you changed in some way. Everyone changes from year to year, even if only minutely. The world is constantly in transition and we are all affected by it. If you lost someone or something, you changed; if you gained someone or something, you changed; if someone close to you lost or gained someone, you are affected because they are.

Being that we are constantly in flux, it seems funny that most of us would be afraid of change, even positive adjustments, in some way. But it's a natural fear of the unknown. We're creatures of habit, so when we don't know what's coming next we get excited, and maybe a bit anxious. Adrenalin pops in to say hello and prepare us for whatever dangers might be ahead. This is why transitions, even positive ones, can be hard to handle.

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There’s nothing wrong with millennials, you’re just old.

Donatone goes on to talk about how millennials are labeled by other authors as narcissistic, opposes this view, and then goes on to label all millennial parents as helicopter parents. First, let’s get one thing straight: clearly, this woman is talking about rich and probably for the most part, white people: she’s a therapist at NYU. She’s referencing a small percentage of a generation. Perhaps the title of the article should be “Why NYU Students Can’t Grow Up”. Because as many of us know, poorer parents, even middle class ones, don’t have time to flutter around their child’s every move these days.

So what is helicopter parenting, you might ask? It’s that “overinvolved” parent who does everything from running the PTA, to practically doing their kid’s homework, to writing their college applications. The problem is that when someone does everything for you, it can lead to a lack of self-efficacy. Which makes sense: if no one trusts you to do anything for yourself, why would you trust yourself to do anything? Donatone cites a couple of articles about recent college grads who take their parents on job interviews. But even the Huffington Post article she mentions shows an understanding that the economy is shit, adding to the fear of “growing up”.

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Be Who You Are

I thought I'd share an excerpt from the always insightful book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It's a book of daily meditations and affirmations, primarily written for people "in recovery" from codependency. I find much of it applies to all kinds of people, though. This is the meditation for October 1st. It can be helpful for anyone who has tried to fit in; to squeeze into "the box", discovered that it just doesn't work, but is afraid to truly just be:

Be Who You Are
In recovery, we're learning a new behavior. It's called Be Who You Are.

For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptations? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?

Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

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Is that how you REALLY feel?

When it comes to couples, a lot of people talk about "communication". Often we hear "A good relationship is all about communication" from advice givers or "We just didn't communicate" from recently broken hearts. Here's the thing: it's not that you communicate - because we all do, even when we're not speaking - it's how you communicate.

In love relationships, communication gets complicated. Because we've fallen intimately in love with someone, and they with us, we often expect them to know exactly what we need at all times. Why is it that we expect so much? I'm not completely sure why. Much of it has to do with attachment style, which dictates how we interact with others, but the rest seems to defy logic. Many times, we ask our partners to be superhumans - to behave in ways that are only agreeable to us and our wants and needs. If they don't, we get angry or upset and many times our partners have no idea why. Then they react, usually by either fighting back, going silent, or defending themselves in some other way. That's an all-too-familiar pattern that often brings couples to therapy.

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