5 WAYS TO STOP CARING WHAT PEOPLE THINK

I talk to myself. All the time. If you see me walking down the street alone, you'll probably see me talking to myself. It's how I plan and process ideas. If it stays in my head and doesn't come out of my mouth, it's not tangible to me. It's just the way I work.

I know I look crazy, but it's not really something I can stop doing.

I also run into things and fall. All the time. I've had many a friend laugh at my stumbles over the years. I've actually got great balance, just no spatial awareness. The other day, I twisted my ankle walking down unfamiliar steps because I was reading my email. I fell, cursed, checked my ankle (it was fine), and then looked around immediately to see if anyone saw me. No signs of life. Hooray! Just then a security guard walked up and said, "Are you ok, Ma'am?" I laughed and said, "Oh, I'm just learning the lesson: Don't look at your phone while walking down stairs." He laughed, too and we went our separate ways.

Now, I could walk around for the rest of the day thinking about this incident. I could be mortified and beat myself up about how dumb it was, how much of an idiot I am, and how I should pay better attention, damnit! Or I can learn the lesson, laugh at myself, acknowledge that I'm a human being who makes mistakes (that security guard is human, too, by the way), and move on with my life. I choose the latter.

Because it's a choice.

But the choice isn't, "Care or don't care about what other people think." The choice is really, "Love and trust myself or don't."

I know I'm not crazy. I know I'm not an idiot. So why would I care if someone else thinks I am because of some momentary interaction?

Is this choice always easy? HELL NO. It takes a lot of time and practice. This is especially true if you've spent most of your life valuing external opinions and devaluing your own, relentlessly chiding yourself when you make a mistake, are in a bad mood, or fail at something. In the therapeutic world, we call this "negative self-talk" and in my opinion it's one of the best places to begin when you want to stop caring so much about what others think.

So, how do you get rid of negative self-talk? I've got some suggestions...

1. Look at the actual evidence

Are you really an idiot who can't get anything done? Or are you a person who screws something up every once in awhile? When we've done something wrong, get embarrassed, or someone criticizes us we often feel shame. Not guilt, but shame. As the researcher Brené Brown has noted, guilt tells us "I've done something bad", while shame says, "I am bad." Big difference there. That voice saying, "You're stupid! What were you thinking! They're all gonna laugh at you!" is shame. Give shame a reality check. Are you really dumb? Nope. Are they really all gonna laugh you? Nah. (Unless you're a comedian and you want them to. But even then, not everyone is gonna laugh. Sorry.) When you look at the evidence, you'll probably find that much of it is contrary to that nasty negative self-talk. If you have trouble finding that better evidence, keep digging. It's there. I know it.

2. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a friend

I say this one all the time, but it bears repeating. If you really can't seem to talk to yourself in a helpful, loving way then think about how you would talk to a friend who was in your situation. Would you say hateful, mean things to your friend, calling them stupid over and over again and dwelling on their mistakes? Or would you try to comfort them, contradict their shame, and offer to help out? My guess is you'd choose the second option (if you'd do the first, I doubt you'd be reading this blog). So why do you deserve any different? Because you know better? Because you just should be perfect all the time? Nonsense. Why should you be perfect when everyone else gets to make mistakes? Talk to yourself in that same comforting, reasonable voice you talk to your friends with. You might not believe it at first. It'll probably feel weird. Do it anyway. Just try it a few times and see what happens.

3. Forgive yourself

YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING. I'm sorry, but you're not a robot. Not yet... You are imperfect and you always will be. None of us are perfect. What even is a perfect person, anyway? If you think about it, the opinions on perfection vary pretty widely. So how can you possibly live up to anyone's expectations? Be you and when you screw up, and you will, forgive yourself. Sometimes that even means forgiving yourself for talking to yourself badly.

My father died in May after a long battle with Alzheimer's. This last year, I was just not myself a lot of the time. It was hard to function normally. I made some mistakes in that time and I've worked hard on forgiving myself for them. Recently my energy healer (yes, I've got one of those) said, "You might need to forgive yourself for judging yourself." That was hard to wrap my head around. But really, it's about forgiving myself for that negative self-talk. Because sometimes when we catch ourselves talking to ourselves badly, we can then get down on ourselves for getting down on ourselves! Isn't that ridiculous? Just writing that sentence feels ridiculous. So, when you hear that negative self-talk, shut it down and try not to judge yourself for judging yourself. Forgive yourself. It's ok. You're human.

4. Find the lessons

Talking nice to yourself doesn't mean you get to get away with not learning anything. Life is trial and error. When you make a mistake, think about how the mistake was made, and then decide whether you want to make it again. Error is useful, but you get no use out of focusing on the error and freaking out about it. Stop, look at what happened, learn the lesson, and try again. I like to think of my computer engineer brother who essentially figures out how errors occur for a living. Understanding how something happened is useful, but you can't learn if you're stuck in a shame sprial. Like I said when I fell down those stairs, "Whelp, that's why you don't walk and stare at your phone at the same time." It's a lesson - a funny one - and that's all it has to be.

5. Remember: No one really cares what you do

It's a paradox: People are watching and they aren't. Most people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they really aren't paying much attention to what you're doing. But when they do notice and say something, it's helpful to trust and love yourself, so it's easier to brush it off. Because...

When you're more centered within yourself, you're less likely to get thrown around by the opinions and actions of others.

Now I want to hear from YOU! How does negative self-talk affect your opinion of yourself? What helps you let go of how others think of you? How can you apply these steps to your creative work? Leave a comment or question and I'll be so happy to answer.

Why is growth so difficult? How to get through change, even when it's good.

As the year ends, many of us look back with mixed emotions. Regardless of whether you judge your time as "good" or "bad", the fact remains that you changed in some way. Everyone changes from year to year, even if only minutely. The world is constantly in transition and we are all affected by it. If you lost someone or something, you changed; if you gained someone or something, you changed; if someone close to you lost or gained someone, you are affected because they are.

Being that we are constantly in flux, it seems funny that most of us would be afraid of change, even positive adjustments, in some way. But it's a natural fear of the unknown. We're creatures of habit, so when we don't know what's coming next we get excited, and maybe a bit anxious. Adrenalin pops in to say hello and prepare us for whatever dangers might be ahead. This is why transitions, even positive ones, can be hard to handle.

Sometimes growth is really difficult because it involves some type of loss. Ever had to dump a friend, lover, or spouse because they just didn't feel "right" for you anymore? Ever left a job for a new one or moved to a better neighborhood or another state or country for a new opportunity? All sorts of feelings pop up in these instances, and they usually involve excitement, anxiety, and sadness.

Guess what? Every single one of these feelings is PERFECTLY NORMAL. Many of us shit on ourselves about feeling the bad feelings, though. "I SHOULD feel happy. This is a GOOD thing, so WHY do I feel so scared and sad? I SHOULD stop feeling that way." These thoughts are a one-way ticket to feeling worse. The ironic thing is, the more you allow yourself to feel those bad feelings, the easier and faster you will move through them. And I don't mean wallowing in self-pity, staying in your bed all day. I mean giving yourself permission to feel the myriad of emotions that go along with growth and transition.

Here's an awesome excerpt from Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go. She uses the metaphor of growing out of things as a child to describe the feelings that go along with personal growth.

Just as when we were children and grew out of our favorite toys and clothes, we sometimes grow out of things as adults - people, jobs, homes. This can be confusing. We may wonder why someone or something that was so special and important to us last year doesn't fit the same way in our life today. We may wonder why our feelings have changed.

When we were children, we may have tried to fit an outgrown article of clothing on to our body. Now, as adults, we may go through a time of trying to force-fit attitudes that we have outgrown. We may need to do this to realize the truth. What worked last year, what was so important and special to us in times past, doesn't work anymore because we've changed. We've grown.

We can accept this as valid and important... We can let ourselves go through experimentation and grief as we struggle to make something fit, trying to figure out if indeed it no longer fits, and why. We can explore our feelings and thoughts around what has happened. Then, we can put last year's toys away and make room for the new.

The key points from this quote are: 1. Growth and change are permanent fixtures in our lives. 2. We can choose to let ourselves be just as we are while we move through the process.

Think of it this way: do you think it's right to tell others how they should feel? No? Does it make you feel any better when someone says "you should be happy!"? Didn't think so. Then why is it alright for you to tell yourself how you should feel? I know we all want to feel happy and great all the time because, well, it feels good! But that's just not how humans are. We experience the whole roller coaster of emotions and unfortunately, some of those feelings are difficult, even scary.

There's a lot of people in media and advertising telling you to "be fearless", usually with some incredible image like someone jumping out of a plane or diving off cliff. I'm willing to bet that the people doing those things are super afraid of doing what they're doing, they're just good at recognizing that fear goes hand-in-hand with excitement. It seems that instead of "be fearless", the mantra should be "don't let fear stop you." Because really, no one is fearless.

So I'm here to tell you: it's alright to feel tentative about any type of change. Everyone feels anxious at some point in their lives. Give yourself a break. Let yourself grow and unfold slowly. You'll find it's easier to move forward when you maneuver through those "bad feeling" obstacles, rather than try to pretend they don't exist.

In honor of Veteran's Day - All about PTSD (it's not just for veterans)

I know you've heard a fair amount about PTSD or posttraumatic stress disorder lately: there's an alarming number of men and women returning from war with symptoms that often go unnoticed until something disturbing happens and the disorder is often blamed as one of the key reasons many veterans end up homeless and/or addicted to drugs or alcohol. But what exactly is PTSD and how does one get it?

Let's start with the "trauma" portion of the disorder. PTSD is defined by the Mayo clinic as: "A mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event." What's significant here is the phrase "terrifying event". The experience of combat is no doubt terrifying, but others things can be terrifying, too. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, abandonment, car accidents, workplace accidents, even verbal abuse - these can all be traumatic events. What's even more notable is that these events do not have to happen to you directly in order to cause symptoms of PTSD. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder (DSM 5) notes that if you witness a traumatic event, learn about terrible trauma that happened to someone close to you, or if you are exposed to the details of trauma over and over again as part of your job, you can develop PTSD. In short, anyone can get PTSD.

The symptoms are where the "stress" part comes in. Symptoms heard of most often include flashbacks, nightmares, or recurring, intrusive memories of the traumatic event. You know all those old jokes about guys having "flashbacks of 'nam"? Yeah, that's PTSD and really, it's not so funny. Other, less commonly known signs are:

•  Avoidance of the location where the traumatic event occurred or of situations that remind the person of the event
• Avoidance of the memories (often achieved by some form of intoxication)
• Anger and/or irritability "out of nowhere"
• Hypervigilance - always on alert, over-observant
• Easily startled or jumpy at things related to or unrelated to the traumatic event
• Physical reactions to reminders of trauma, such as elevated heart rate, sweating, or gastrointestinal problems
• Sleeplessness
• Problems concentrating
• Recklessness
• Withdrawing from social situations
• Feeling detached from others
• Persistent negative emotions or negative view of the world or self ("I am a terrible person; the world is a terrible place)
• Blaming oneself for the traumatic event

This is A LOT, I know; much of this can also be identified with anxiety and depression (often diagnosed alongside PTSD).  However, if you find yourself or someone you love demonstrating any of these symptoms or simply not functioning how you/they used to, it's time to reach out for help.

Veterans and civilians can find more information about PTSD, including how to get help on the National Center for PTSD's website. We hear a lot about how little is done for veterans, but the VA is paying attention to PTSD - they're even starting to hire marriage and family therapists! You can also check out my previous blog about finding a good therapist. I've included links to several sites on that post - try to find someone that specializes in PTSD or trauma.

The number one best thing to do it about it is to tell someone. You can't drink it away; you can't make it go away on your own; you need support and someone who knows how to treat this. Just like soldiers need their brothers and sisters to successfully navigate the battlefield, we need others to successfully navigate life.

No one made you creative, you just are

I recently read Thomas Frank’s opinion piece on Salon.com entitled “TED talks are lying to you” and it got me thinking. In a nutshell, Frank comments on the rise of information, mainly books, about how to be creative or how creativity helps in any job, written by individuals who are essentially upper-class conformists. He notes how the same stories about product innovations are regurgitated throughout these books, while true creatives trying to make it in the world are suffering. He also mentions over and over again that he came to this revelation while in the bathtub.

The title is misleading, as he says little about TED talks, and seems to be lumping all talks into one category: “white billionaires” telling you how to harness creativity. If you’ve watched a lot of TED talks, you’ll know there is much more to it than that. Some of my favorite talks are by therapists, neuroscientists, musicians, comedians, and even gamers. The majority of these talks are less about marketing products or telling people to “be creative” and more about sharing ideas. But I digress because again, Frank’s article actually has little to do with TED talks and more to do with a trend in book sales and marketing.

Here’s the part of the piece that struck me hardest:

A final clue came from “Creativity: Flow and the Psychology of Discovery and Invention” (1996), in which Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi acknowledges that, far from being an act of individual inspiration, what we call creativity is simply an expression of professional consensus. Using Vincent van Gogh as an example, the author declares that the artist’s “creativity came into being when a sufficient number of art experts felt that his paintings had something important to contribute to the domain of art.” Innovation, that is, exists only when the correctly credentialed hivemind agrees that it does. And “without such a response,” the author continues, “van Gogh would have remained what he was, a disturbed man who painted strange canvases.” What determines “creativity,” in other words, is the very faction it’s supposedly rebelling against: established expertise.

I saw several comments below the article noting this portion as one of the most insightful. I disagree and here’s why: the fact that someone came along and decided Van Gogh’s paintings had artistic value did not define him as creative, it defined him as a significant part of the impressionistic art movement (a movement Frank disparages in his article). No one denied Van Gogh’s creativity before this; he spent his life as an artist, studying and befriending other greats such as Monet and Gauguin. No one had to tell these artists they were creative, they just were.

If you’re a creative person, you understand that it's both a blessing and a curse. We're constantly trying to survive in the world while enduring a nagging inner pull to put the pieces together and make sense of it. Many of us don’t feel complete without expressing ourselves through some form of art, but we struggle to figure out how to fit it into our lives that might not allow hours of time to paint, practice an instrument, write a novel, or perform in a play. We don’t need someone to tell us we’re creative, we just are.

I get the frustration Frank is expressing: “Only rich white billionaires have the convenience of being creative in business and telling us we all should be.” Perhaps as a full-time writer, Frank sees this trend permeating his world much more than I see it in my own. From my perspective, especially in this city full of artists, I see true creative talent as an equalizer: you can't buy it, you just have it. Now of course, the ways you get to express that creativity rely on resources like time and money, but that nagging sensation to make meaning of the world, that’s free. When I talk about coaching creative people or “creativity coaching”, I’m not saying I want to teach you how to be creative: you already know how to do that. Rather, I want to help you figure out how to get that stuff out of you and onto the page, canvas, stage, etc. I want to help you fit it all into your life and your relationships with your friends, partner, or family. Why am I the person for that? Not only because I’ve got all this training as a therapist, but because I've struggled with expressing my creativity in my own life and continue to do so. I understand that being an artist is an ongoing journey and whether you’re a famous rock star or you sketch when the kids go to bed, that journey never ends.

Be Who You Are

I thought I'd share an excerpt from the always insightful book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It's a book of daily meditations and affirmations, primarily written for people "in recovery" from codependency. I find much of it applies to all kinds of people, though. This is the meditation for October 1st. It can be helpful for anyone who has tried to fit in; to squeeze into "the box", discovered that it just doesn't work, but is afraid to truly just be:

Be Who You Are
In recovery, we're learning a new behavior. It's called Be Who You Are.

For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptations? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?

Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves - regardless of the reaction of others.

Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being who we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.

We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.

Today I will own my power to be myself.

Does any of this ring true for you? I'd love to read your thoughts in the comments below, on my facebook, or twitter @therapy4artists #bewhoyouare.